Dad Revisited

My friend Chris, who is writing curriculum for his music students, is crafting Essential Questions for his lessons. Essential Questions are those which, if you have developed and taught your lesson well, all will be able to answer at the end. He believes educators must also ask themselves Essential Questions as they do their jobs. I believe, especially of late, that each of us as people must answer Essential Questions. I believe those questions differ depending on your age and where you ‘are’ in your life.

Individuals with children face these questions: Should I be more or less involved in the lives of my children? Should I choose for them, or let them choose? Should I steer them away from all risks, or let them discover the world for what it really is and has become? Should I keep my ’safe’ job, or take a risk that could put my family in financial jeopardy?

If you are in a marriage or relationship, you face different, but similarly important questions. Is this the person for me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship? Is my partner happy? Am I doing all I can to make this relationship happy, successful, and sustainable? Will we be better off if I subjugate myself to him/her right now? Are we healthy together? Are we better apart?

As individuals, we must answer the more basic questions. Am I happy? Can I be a better person? Should I be more charitable? Is it time to sit down and take it, or stand up and fight? What are my goals, my visions, my dreams? Can I attain them? Is what is good for me in keeping with the greater good? Does that matter to me? Take a good look at these questions, because they are cumulative. We all answer the basic questions. Those of us married and with children must answer them all.

But I’ve left out the most basic, most essential question of all. It’s not “How shall I live?” buy “Shall I live?” if you believe that life requires an energy, a force of will, than this becomes a critical question. But why, WHY would someone answer no? Certainly we’ve seen those who, in a fit of loneliness, pain, or alienation have thought living was no longer valuable. What of the father, who for years has supported his family, who now cannot do so? Perhaps he’s discovered he’s worth more fiscally dead than alive. Maybe he simply cannot watch as his family struggles to stay alive. Maybe the guilt (justified or not) he feels in his failures weighs too heavily on his soul. These days, many individuals must be in this mindset. I’ve felt their pain. All I can say for them is that no family is better off in their absence. No amount of money would ever replace a loving parent, or assuage the pain and guilt stemming from their absence.

What of those who are older? If life requires an energy force, how long can any of us sustain it? Have you 50 years in you? 65? 80? 90? There are days where I wonder how I will find a forty fourth. If you reach 80 years, haveyou worked hard enough? Could you hang on to be with your mate. Hopefully your children are settled and no longer need your care. If you’ve taught them everything they need to know, can you give up without guilt?

As I sit with my mother-in-law, I consider the gifts I have, the gifts she’s given me, and the life force she’s carried for so long. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention during the lesson. I can’t answer the Essential Question.

Having completed my Family Resolutions the other day, I should take a moment to continue my resolutions as a man of faith.

Resolution 4- Remember that “Name in Vain” thingy
For a man who teaches the youngest of children, you would think I had better control of my mouth. I don’t. I also work across the hall from a first grade teacher who can keep pace with a sailor on leave. It makes it really easy for me to fall into a pattern of terribly ugly language.

I also have tweenage and teenage children. I get frustrated and lose control of my mouth at times. I also managed to teach my wife somewhere along the way to do the same thing. I need to stop. Not only is it degrading to my children, but it also sets a terrible example for them. Finally, it also pushes me further from my faith. So I resolve to clean up my language.

Resolution 5- Say thank you to the One who helps most

Resolution 3 addresses my most important earthly relationship. I need to do a better job maintaining my most important spiritual relationship. I pray two or three times a year, except if there is a crisis. I don’t go to confession. I hardly pray when I am actually IN the church.

Grace x3 annually is not enough. I’m a realist, though. I know I won’t be getting on bended knee each night before bed, but a few minutes every week to give thanks for that which is good would certainly be an improvement. I resolve to give thanks in prayer each week.

Check out my resolutions for Marriage and Family and Technology.

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faith, prayer, religion

Western Grace, originally uploaded by kretyen.

With Thanksgiving coming up this week, I’m considering what I will say at the table. Not for small talk, but in prayer before the meal. As the guy who works at a church, people assume I must be the most religious in the room at our Thanksgiving feast. I’m not. My wife is far more religious, but she would prefer that I do the public speaking. I used to be reluctant, but I’ve come to accept it, and now relish the idea of having a pulpit.

Anyway, that’s not the point. I know that “Thank you Lord for all that I am. Bless us all, now pass the yams” won’t do. I don’t know what I’ll say, but perhaps it will sound like this:

The world has been a difficult and dangerous place lately. Thousands of American men and women will be spending this holiday in harms way, while their families pray that the empty chair at their table will soon be filled again. Others worry about losing their homes, keeping their jobs, feeding their families, or affording a doctors visit for their children.

But with thanks to you, Lord, we know that a new day is dawning. We pray that conscience and faith will guide President-Elect Obama and his team in doing that which is necessary to protect and support our nation and it’s people. And although this is a welcome change, we know that we have always had reason to give thanks, because we have always had that which is most important.

We stand here today with our family, connected not only by blood but by unconditional love. Although at times we may be separated by arrogance, ego, or foolishness, we know that family is inviolate. We promise to love and care for one another, and we pray that you may bless others in the same ways we are blessed… with clothing, food, homes, jobs, and loved ones.

We ask this in His name. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Father, Son Holy Spirit by Raymond Brown

My son received the sacrament of Confirmation recently. It was an interesting time for all of us in the family. My son had to write each week a thoughtful, reflective essay. As parents, we had to write thoughtful, reflective responses. My daughter was asked to be a part of the ceremony by assisting as an Altar Minister for the Bishop who would preside over the Mass.

During the process, close to the end, my son began to doubt whether he was ready for this sacrament. As a parent, I was hoping for just such a moment, but I was not around when it came. Luckily for all, my wife was there to manage the situation. When my son decided he may not be ready, my wife asked him one question:

“Do you pray?”

He said he did. He prayed when I lost my job. He prayed when members of the family got sick. He prayed when he was afraid or struggling. My wife pointed out that we had not asked him to pray. For him, prayer had become a part of his life. As such, faith was a part of his life by his own choice. Faith and prayer had finally become free and easy for him.

When I was that age, I could not get away from the church quickly enough. I was ready to run the moment I finished that Confirmation ceremony, and my mother was happy to see the last of the church. She had little use for it (I will expound another time) and that feeling had obviously become a part of my ‘religious DNA.’ He has clearly has more use for the church than I did at his age.

This does not make him a complete religious nut. He will avoid weekly mass like any other teenager. He shrugs at the idea of participating in Youth Ministry because it’s not ‘cool.’ He curses like his friends, likes off-color humor, and has a healthy appreciation for the opposite gender. I also know that deep down inside there is a young man who has faith. A young man who will, when times get difficult, be able to find solace in the fact that there is a plan. He knows that, no matter what comes his way, there is a puzzle into which he fits, and that hardships and trials simply reshape his piece so he fits better.