Dad Revisited

You want your children to learn as much as they can. You want to give them as many opportunities as possible. So you send them away on school overnight trips. With this in mind, my son prepared for two wonderful travel opportunities in the span of two weeks.

Of course, the day before he leaves, something tragic happens in his family, and he ends up visiting with a grandparent, perhaps for the last time. This trauma affects him deeply, but he stands tall and tries to ignore the possibilities while trying to enjoy himself on the trip. The trip goes off as scheduled, and when he returns (after 3 days out of cellular range) he gets to see his grandparent, who has managed to not only survive, but to thrive.

Then he packs and plans for an international trip. We equipped him with an international calling card. We gave him an international cellular phone. He visited again with his ailing grandparent, who will likely still be here upon his return, but will almost certainly not be home any time soon. Again, he was upbeat, even though he knows that when he returns, we’ll have one more in the house. He agrees it would be wrong to leave one in a house alone while the other is in a rehab facility. And so, when he returns, we will no longer be nuclear, but extended.

Off he goes, landing uneventfully in Paris. Checking in at the hostel, he begins his international adventure with enthusiasm and joy. After a few days, he leaves the hostel to head home. Not home to us, but a temporary home with the student he hosted in November. For us as parents, a much more comforting time. What could be better than having him stay with a family? We had hosted their child, we imagined a quid pro quo would allow him to be protected and comfortable.

Who could predict that we’d have trouble figuring out how to text message from abroad? Who would have predicted we’d have to try a variety of ways to call from his cellular to mine? Who would expect a tragedy in their household? Who could predict that the family would be devastated in a way that would make it impossible for them to continue to host him? Who would know that he would be thrust into a circumstance which would be nearly impossible to manage in English, with a family you know well? How can he possibly be expected to manage it in French, with a family he barely knows, on their worst day ever?

I consider myself to be an outstanding planner, but some things you just can’t be expected to predict. Be safe and well, Skippy. Hugs are waiting for you at home.

My friend Chris, who is writing curriculum for his music students, is crafting Essential Questions for his lessons. Essential Questions are those which, if you have developed and taught your lesson well, all will be able to answer at the end. He believes educators must also ask themselves Essential Questions as they do their jobs. I believe, especially of late, that each of us as people must answer Essential Questions. I believe those questions differ depending on your age and where you ‘are’ in your life.

Individuals with children face these questions: Should I be more or less involved in the lives of my children? Should I choose for them, or let them choose? Should I steer them away from all risks, or let them discover the world for what it really is and has become? Should I keep my ’safe’ job, or take a risk that could put my family in financial jeopardy?

If you are in a marriage or relationship, you face different, but similarly important questions. Is this the person for me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship? Is my partner happy? Am I doing all I can to make this relationship happy, successful, and sustainable? Will we be better off if I subjugate myself to him/her right now? Are we healthy together? Are we better apart?

As individuals, we must answer the more basic questions. Am I happy? Can I be a better person? Should I be more charitable? Is it time to sit down and take it, or stand up and fight? What are my goals, my visions, my dreams? Can I attain them? Is what is good for me in keeping with the greater good? Does that matter to me? Take a good look at these questions, because they are cumulative. We all answer the basic questions. Those of us married and with children must answer them all.

But I’ve left out the most basic, most essential question of all. It’s not “How shall I live?” buy “Shall I live?” if you believe that life requires an energy, a force of will, than this becomes a critical question. But why, WHY would someone answer no? Certainly we’ve seen those who, in a fit of loneliness, pain, or alienation have thought living was no longer valuable. What of the father, who for years has supported his family, who now cannot do so? Perhaps he’s discovered he’s worth more fiscally dead than alive. Maybe he simply cannot watch as his family struggles to stay alive. Maybe the guilt (justified or not) he feels in his failures weighs too heavily on his soul. These days, many individuals must be in this mindset. I’ve felt their pain. All I can say for them is that no family is better off in their absence. No amount of money would ever replace a loving parent, or assuage the pain and guilt stemming from their absence.

What of those who are older? If life requires an energy force, how long can any of us sustain it? Have you 50 years in you? 65? 80? 90? There are days where I wonder how I will find a forty fourth. If you reach 80 years, haveyou worked hard enough? Could you hang on to be with your mate. Hopefully your children are settled and no longer need your care. If you’ve taught them everything they need to know, can you give up without guilt?

As I sit with my mother-in-law, I consider the gifts I have, the gifts she’s given me, and the life force she’s carried for so long. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention during the lesson. I can’t answer the Essential Question.

Taking a blog hiatus means I’m a little behind in my blogging to-do list. I thought it would be a good idea to set some goals for myself in each of the core areas of this blog. You know, offer a little focus to my quest for self-improvement.

Resolution 1- Lose Weight and Improve General Health

A few years ago, I weighed in at 250 pounds. I felt terrible at that weight, so I put myself on a self-designed regimen of exercise (walking every day for about 2 miles) and diet (more vegetables and fruits, much less volume of everything else.) It worked, and I lost 30 pounds.

Now, I’ve regained all the weight, and then some! When I’m fat, I’m not as good as father as I should be. I finish work and want to go to sleep. I don’t have the energy to play or even talk with the kids most days. I don’t feel attractive, so it has an impact on my, er, um, marriage. Not to mention the fact that if I drop the weight, I increase my life span significantly. I’ll be a much better father and husband if I am, in fact, alive. Of course, I am worth a significant amount of money deceased, so there is a potential fail/win if I don’t lose the weight. However, I resolve to get my weight down to 220 pounds.

Resolution 2- Learn from The Cobbler

I’ve heard many times about The Cobbler whose kids have no shoes. I will make sure my children have shoes… no, wait! That’s not it. Actually, my kids are both extremely talented musically. My son is even considering going into Music Education. You would think that I’d be on that like white on rice. I’m not.

There are a variety of factors that contribute. Distance is a big one. We’re apart for 4 night every week, so we don’t get to touch base all week on things like practice. Then I come home for the weekend and get dragged into things that are more pressing but less important. I resolve to make more time to foster my children’s musical talents.

Resolution 3- Remember The Most Important Earthly Relationship

We are all a collection of our experiences and relationships. Many are by chance. We do not pick our mother, nor do we pick our father. Our children are born to us. We choose to have them (usually) but we must play the hand we’re dealt. You can’t just bail on your kids if the relationship is in trouble. They are yours for keeps.

We make one truly important choice in our lives: the choice of a mate. I remind my kids when they get particularly thorny with their mother that “she was the one I chose to spend my life with. I love them, but she comes first.” The truth of that is often forgotten in the heat of whatever family moment we are in. I need to remember each and every moment that the most important person in my life is my wife. The fact that she is so wonderful should make me get down on my knees each day to give thanks. What it actually does is allow me to put her needs second, third, and last, knowing that she is so special she will never hold it against me. She deserves better, and I would like to try to give her better. I resolve to spend at least two nights each month putting her needs first and foremost.

Check out my resolutions on Faith and Technology.

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My wife and I are Band Parents. Not only am I a Band Parent, but as a music teacher, I’ve met a lot of band parents.

They are… different. They are not cheerleader parents killing another flute player’s mom for a solo.

They are not Little League parents who yell at the director after some kid blows the trumpet feature they think their child would have nailed.

They are not stage parents who push their kids to be the star they never could be.

Band parents are tough. They endure the blistering heat of the Memorial Day parade and suffer the icy cold of football championships on Thanksgiving Weekend.

Band parents are resourceful. They fix a hem on a uniform in mid-parade, fix instruments they have never played and cases that have seen better days.

Band parents are sensitive. They find positive words for mediocre performances and reassuring words for solos missed.

Band parents are enthusiastic. They cheer as loudly for the last halftime show as the first, and smile widely as they sell yet another plate of cookies.

Band parents are eclectic. They love the symphonies of the orchestra, the extended jams of the jazz band, and the close harmonies of the choir.

Band parents are selfless. They give up dinner to get their children to concerts for the warm-up, and luxuries to pay for extra lessons at festival time.

Band parents are patient. They put up with Machiavellian band directors and discombobulated orchestra leaders.

Band parents aren’t better than anyone else, nor do we think ourselves better. Many of us were band geeks when we were growing up. We just find it hard to believe that any child would not want to be in the band. It might seem like we are stunned when you say your child would rather play football. Don’t worry- we are, but it’s less about you than it is about us. We know, just as you know, that there is little chance that our children will be successful football players or musicians when they grow to adulthood, but it’s fun to consider.

Well, at least that’s what I tell myself as I freeze my keister off on the icy cold bleachers late on a Friday Night in November.

This weekend, we had a house guest join us for a couple of weeks. We’re happy to have him (especially because it means my son gets to go to France next year) but it causes a bit of disarray (as a two-week house guest would cost for any household. I had a hard time finding a lot of my things. There was a bit of frustrated sniping (much on my part) as I searched hither and yon for travel items.

You see, I live a divorced life. I’m not divorced, but I live that way. I work approximately 80 miles from home, and traffic makes a daily trip impossible. So I live in an apartment Monday through Thursday nights, and then see the family and kids on the weekends. It makes for a strange existence. I imagine that my life is similar in a number of ways to the life that a divorced father must face:

• Being out of the house means there is not always ‘a place for everything, and everything in it’s place.’ My clothes are on hangers and in a laundry basket that travels with me each week.
• I consult on discipline issues for the children, but I am not there to enforce the sanctions, so my vote is not really a full vote. I can impose a hefty punishment, but as anyone knows, and unenforced punishment is not really a punishment at all.
• I help with homework when someone asks for help, but I cannot check bookbags, make sure everyone is taking their lunch, or look them in the eye to see if they are being truthful when they say “I missed the bus and that’s why I’m late!”
• I am often at odds with my wife, most frequently about the calendar. “I thought you would be here at such and such a time” or “You were taking the kids at such and such a time.”
• I get a lot of “poor guy” looks from the staff I work with at school.

I’ve been sitting in my apartment, and I’ve started to wonder if the biggest similarity is with the solitary life we live away from the family. There are but a few ways a single, divorced, or functionally single guy can turn out:

• A buff, gorgeous man who works out and/or is involved in athletics and whom women find attractive as he cruises the bars.
• A fat, slovenly guy who sits at home eating too much, watching porno on the internet, never talking to others, and eventually making history as “the guy they had to remove the back wall to get to the hospital.”
• The guy who falls somewhere in between, who tries to eat healthy foods, works out too little, doesn’t go out, and gets a headache every time he decides to take a drink.

As I sit looking at my increasing paunch and my ever-fluctuating weight, I wonder if the feelings I have are like those of the divorced? There is a tendency when you are out of shape to stay out of shape. I call this new unfit inertia “fatnertia.” But what causes this fatnertia? Sure, plain laziness plays a part, but what of depression? Divorced fathers must face a depression when they are absent from their families that leaves them wondering why they should bother taking care at all. Fat, thin, it matters not.

The truth is it really does matter. If I could get in better shape, I would feel better. If I feel better, I’ll treat those around me better. I could improve my relationships with my wife and kids. I would have more energy for that crush of weekend activities. I could finish my days romancing my wife instead of snoring loudly in front of the television.

Fight fatnertia. Put down that cookie and go to the gym. I am.

Note: It was Pizza Night at the gym, so it was kind of counter-productive.

We lock our televisions. We didn’t always do that, but since my wife started working full time, we’ve had a few issues with unattended television use. It’s not about the content (although my wife would like my son’s viewing to contain less violence) but time. Unattended the kids will watch television until they blob up into those immovable obese folks you see on the news who can’t leave their house anymore.

I tried the V-Chip on the TV. It does what it claims to do. You can make sure your kids can’t watch anything other than the ratings level YOU choose. Unfortunately, the V-chip does not limit time. It also does not limit unrated TV shows, so there is no guarantee it will prevent all illicit TV viewing.

Our problem is screen time. The kids will vegetate if allowed. This is where our cable provider has a solution. Parental controls on Verizon FIOS TV give us the opportunity to lock out ratings OR channels. I have all the TV’s in our house locked out 100%. No viewing without parental access. That works great, until one of us accidentally enters the code at the wrong time and the kids see it. The big hassle for adults is that we constantly have to enter the code to watch anything. Channel surfing is out, because you have to enter the code every time. Changing the channels is now a seven keystroke deal.

Of course, the kids figured out a way around it. The DVD player isn’t locked. They can watch DVD’s at any time. It’s much more common now to find some of the very old DVDs getting played now. Clearly they have been through the newer discs and looking for something they haven’t watched hundreds of time. Sure, it’s a pretty big hole, but I believe the real issue with TV is it’s ability to surreptitiously steal an afternoon away from you. You sit down for a 15 minute break, get involved in a show, flip a channel, and suddenly two hours of your day have passed. Cracking open a DVD and sitting down… sure it can steal an hour and a half, but it’s more of a hassle than just flipping on the TV, making it less likely, at least in my mind.

Of course, my wife says one good justification a day is healthy. There it is.

Why do kids lie? In my experience, kids lie for a variety of reasons. The most popular reasons are to avoid getting in trouble with adult authority figures or to make themselves sound better than they truly are. What I find especially intriguing is the flimsy lies that children think we’ll accept. You can catch a child in the same lie time and time again, and they will still concoct the same lie in order to avoid your ire.

These days, I have little confidence in what my kids tell me. They lie. No details here, but trust me, they do. Most of the time it’s to avoid what they are sure will be my ire. They think I’ll be mad about a bad grade. They’re sure I’ll yell because they didn’t take their medication. Again.

I do get mad. I yell. I get on them about what they do. For example, I’ll get a report from my child about a spectacular performance on a test. I’ll ask about the other test they were studying for. That test, they explain, has yet to be returned to them. They got a good grade. They’ll even tell me the grade. Inevitably I’ll get an email from the teacher, or I’ll contact the teacher to follow up on this mystery test. The test was returned the day previous, he says. Your child did very poorly, he says. Additionally, your child is behind in homework, which is hurting the overall grade.

Dad: “Why didn’t you tell me about the test?”
Child: “I thought you would be mad.”
Dad: “When you’ve brought me poor test grades before, did I get mad, or did I offer to help you study?”
Child: “You helped me study.”
Dad: “Where is the test?”
Child: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “You threw it away, didn’t you?”
Child: “I lost it.”
Dad: “Uh huh. So how can I help you study, when you don’t have the test?”

If I had a nickel (or a copy of a failed test) for every time I’ve had this conversation, I’d be rich. OK, I’d be happy. Happier. Should I expect it? I guess not. It’s a fact of life. Kids need to find out what they can do, what they can’t do, and where to draw the line. They need to accept responsibility for their actions, which is a very mature attitude. Most adults have trouble with this. I know it’s never been easy for me. I have to work at it every day.

I wonder how my mother kept her sanity, because as I see my children acting in this way, I recall that I was much the same. I must have frayed her nerves in a terrible way. God grant us all serenity, for we need it.