Dad Revisited

I got a new ukelele, and I thought I would break it in with a song.

Church Clock Tower,
originally uploaded by lolowar.

Roman Catholics are the busiest of the faithful. I know that seems a bold observation and a gross generalization, but I know it to be true. How could I know such a thing? I know because I have studied it using the tools I learned in Sociology 101- observation and extrapolation.

I’ve spent many years observing the arrival times of people to Sunday Mass. In the R.C. churches I have attended, the earliest attendee arrives at Mass approximately 30 minutes before the scheduled start time. Because she is so unique, and her arrival time so much earlier than the rest, she (and yes, it’s ALWAYS a ’she’) is an outlier, a bit of data that falls outside the normal distribution. Most if the rest arrive in a block,so the normal range for arrival begins at 8 minutes prior to scheduled start (T minus 8 minutes, to use a familiar parlance), with an increase in incidents at T minus 90 seconds that continues through T plus 5 minutes. Outliers on the other side of the range continue through the T+15 range.

Departure times are equally revealing. Departures begin immediately following individual procession to receive communion (which researchers have termed “eat and run”) and occurs approximately 8 minutes prior to the end of mass, or D minus 8 minutes. There are a few of these, and they appear to skew towards younger members of the study group. The vast majority of attendees depart, or attempt to depart, at least 1 minute before the ending, or D minus 1. Only a scant few stay for the end of services, which is officially termed at the end of the closing hymn. Coincidentally there is a single outlier for departure as well, but she has already been discounted from the study because she is the same woman who arrived thirty minutes early. We have no statistics on her departure time, as the researchers tired of waiting for her to leave and just went home for lunch.

Researchers have determined the average time of a Sunday Mass to be 48 minutes. Using that as a base, eliminating the outliers, and applying a high level statistical regression analysis, the average R.C. Churchgoer appears to attend only 92% of the actual service. Anecdotally (and to be studied in depth with a future study) time on task during the service appears to be low as well. Adjustments to cell phone ringers, text messaging, writing checks for the collection basket, and whispering to your neighbors about that lady’s hat appear to consume more of the time, leaving less than 90% quality time during the service. Another consideration could be that people are unaware that Mass ends at the end of the closing song, and that it is not ‘exit music’ for the congregation to recess.

All of these statistics lead this researcher to only one conclusion- Roman Catholics may be too busy for Weekly Mass. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish this later. The Homily is ending, and I have to get back to work.

Taking a blog hiatus means I’m a little behind in my blogging to-do list. I thought it would be a good idea to set some goals for myself in each of the core areas of this blog. You know, offer a little focus to my quest for self-improvement.

Resolution 1- Lose Weight and Improve General Health

A few years ago, I weighed in at 250 pounds. I felt terrible at that weight, so I put myself on a self-designed regimen of exercise (walking every day for about 2 miles) and diet (more vegetables and fruits, much less volume of everything else.) It worked, and I lost 30 pounds.

Now, I’ve regained all the weight, and then some! When I’m fat, I’m not as good as father as I should be. I finish work and want to go to sleep. I don’t have the energy to play or even talk with the kids most days. I don’t feel attractive, so it has an impact on my, er, um, marriage. Not to mention the fact that if I drop the weight, I increase my life span significantly. I’ll be a much better father and husband if I am, in fact, alive. Of course, I am worth a significant amount of money deceased, so there is a potential fail/win if I don’t lose the weight. However, I resolve to get my weight down to 220 pounds.

Resolution 2- Learn from The Cobbler

I’ve heard many times about The Cobbler whose kids have no shoes. I will make sure my children have shoes… no, wait! That’s not it. Actually, my kids are both extremely talented musically. My son is even considering going into Music Education. You would think that I’d be on that like white on rice. I’m not.

There are a variety of factors that contribute. Distance is a big one. We’re apart for 4 night every week, so we don’t get to touch base all week on things like practice. Then I come home for the weekend and get dragged into things that are more pressing but less important. I resolve to make more time to foster my children’s musical talents.

Resolution 3- Remember The Most Important Earthly Relationship

We are all a collection of our experiences and relationships. Many are by chance. We do not pick our mother, nor do we pick our father. Our children are born to us. We choose to have them (usually) but we must play the hand we’re dealt. You can’t just bail on your kids if the relationship is in trouble. They are yours for keeps.

We make one truly important choice in our lives: the choice of a mate. I remind my kids when they get particularly thorny with their mother that “she was the one I chose to spend my life with. I love them, but she comes first.” The truth of that is often forgotten in the heat of whatever family moment we are in. I need to remember each and every moment that the most important person in my life is my wife. The fact that she is so wonderful should make me get down on my knees each day to give thanks. What it actually does is allow me to put her needs second, third, and last, knowing that she is so special she will never hold it against me. She deserves better, and I would like to try to give her better. I resolve to spend at least two nights each month putting her needs first and foremost.

Check out my resolutions on Faith and Technology.

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As a Music Teacher and Choir Director, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been asked about what to do with ‘non-singers.’ I’ve also been heard “I can’t sing” more than a thousand times.

Look. You can sing. Not everyone is a professional. I’ll admit it, you probably don’t sing as well as I do. You may not sing as well as half of my choir. You may not sing as well as anyone in my choir. Perhaps you don’t hit the notes so good. Maybe you have a hard time following along with the music. Maybe you can’t get from high to low and back again without a little help. Maybe the people around you look twice once you start singing.

Maybe you are not as bad as you think. There are a few things you can do in order to improve your chances of being successful when you are singin along in church:

1. Prepare. Before the service starts, take a look at the hymn board (most places post the numbers prior to services) and look over today’s music. A successful skier walks the hill before he starts a race. Do the same with your music.
2. Stand up or sit up straight. Your body is your instrument. Would a flute work well if it was all bent up? No. Neither does the body. Tall and straight makes it easier for all the muscles you need for church singing to work properly.
3. Don’t forget to breathe. Air is the fuel of singing. If you are short of breath, you will never sound good. Get a good, deep breath before you start the first line. It’s like an Indy Car driver’s first tank of gas. It’s the only time you get to fill up all the way. After that, you will have to breathe quickly, so make the first tank as full as possible.
4. Lighten up. Literally. On your voice. You don’t have to carry the entire church. You just have to sing for yourself. Don’t whisper, but don’t try and raise the rafters. A nice, moderate singing sound should be easier to maintain.
5. Let it go. If you miss something, it’s gone. Music is a snapshot in time. That which is missed cannot be reclaimed. Find out where everyone else is, find a place to jump in, breathe, and sing.
6. Pick your battles. Some songs are harder than others. Let the experienced singers, choir, or song leader do the heavy lifting. Join in on the refrain/chorus. By the end of most songs, you should know it by heart.
7. Lighten up. Figuratively. On yourself. It’s worship, and it’s meant to be meaningful, not perfect.

If the folks around you are looking askance at you, imagine that it is because they are impressed with your prayerfulness and musical skills. After all, as St. Augustine said, “Singing is praying twice.”