Photo from Love-Sessions.com

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to spend more time with my wife and value that relationship more. She and I took our first step by having the first Date Night we’ve had in a while.

Getting out of the house for date night is no easy task these days. Going on a date before kids is as easy as picking up the phone, saying “do you have plans?” and heading out the door. Once you have kids, it gets much more complicated. When they were younger, it was about finding a babysitter for the two of them. Then as my son got to be old enough, it was “whose house is he playing at and who will watch my daughter?” Now that they are 15 and 11, it’s become complicated in other ways.

For example, the kids now have their own social calendars. When my daughter is going to the school dance and needs to be picked up at 9pm, someone has to be available. When my son and his girlfriend want to hang out, someone has to be home with them. Really. They’re old enough to be alone, but too old to be left alone, if you know what I mean.

We finally worked it out a couple of weeks ago. The wife and I went out to see a movie My wife was getting the kids set up at home, and I went out to the Mall. I bought the tickets and scoped out a restaurant. Then I remembered one of the reasons we never go out on Friday nights.

Have you tried to go to a restaurant at a mall on a Friday Night? I told my wife to bring granola bars because there was no way we could eat. Then she reminded me about the Food Court. Classy? No. Fast and easy? Yes. Easy to get a table? Quite.

There we sat with our wooden chopsticks, japanese food, and Arizona Iced Tea on our plastic trays. a little romantic dinner behind the food kiosk. My wife suggested behind it because it’s quieter there. Note to self- the fact that it’s further removed from the Food Court proper means it gets cleaned 1/4 as much.

Following our lovely little dinner (and it was lovely, because the company was great and there were no dishes to do at the end) we headed off to the Snack Bar for the movie. We don’t actually GO to the Snack Bar. We go to Target. Sure, Target sells blankets and iPods and bicycles. Target also sells candy and water. That was all we needed. My wife pondered hiding the food stuffs we had ‘illegally’ acquired outside of the theater, but I assured her that I was certain… um, relatively sure… er, that I heard somewhere that they can’t keep you out for having outside food. For heaven’s sake, it’s a mall. Would they keep me out if I bought a pillow at Bed Bath and Beyond prior to attending my movie?

Anyway, we got to the movie with plenty of time to spare. “Last Chance Harvey” starring Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman. 15 minutes before the start of the movie, few seats remained. We were lucky enough to get two in the back. The next couple to come in got two in the front row. Luckily, we didn’t have long to wait. Just 15 short minutes before… previews. 11 minutes worth of previews. Then 5 minutes worth of movie chain b.s. about your cell phone, buying tickets online, etc.

The previews were actually welcomed. My wife watched the previews (obviously geared toward the audience, with most of them being some kind of romantic story) and stated that she “could see that” when it came out. And so, the mental checklist begins for future movie nights.

The movie was good. My wife says great. I think Hoffman and Thompson were great, but the movie built around them was only okay. Had the other characters been a little better fleshed out, the movie would have jumped a rating level. However, the movie served it’s purpose. It gave us a night out of the house (away from the kids whom we love but sometimes please can’t you just leave us ALONE?) in each other’s company doing something other than worry about the bills, the basement renovation, or which cat is hurling all over the comforter.

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children, kids, marriage, parenting, relationships, spouses

I know, I know. But the other day, I was feeling like I should call. I was lonely. I felt, at that particular moment, that I wanted to hear her voice. She wasn’t there. The voice mail picked up. Now I had to decide what to do. Should I:

• hang up? I didn’t really call for anything important.  It’s merely a ‘hi, how are you, I missed you’ call, so is it really worth interrupting her workday?
• leave a message? I never like leaving mushy messages, because the sound so lame. You never know what to say, and your voice already sounds weird, so it’s never as cool as you hoped it would be.

By now, the outgoing message is nearly over, and it’s become a time critical decision. If I fail to decide promptly, I will end up hanging up after the beep. Then it becomes a ‘hang-up’ and my nice sweet phone call becomes an annoyance. That wasn’t what I wanted and…

BEEP!

“I just called… to say… I love youoooooo! I was thinking of you, and decided to give you a call. I miss you, and love you, and can’t wait to see you. Talk to you later!”

CLICK.

Rats. That was not nearly as awesome as I wanted it to be.

At the end of the workday, I check my messages. She called back.

“I love it when you sing to me.”

Cheesy, yes. But sometimes cheesy sells.

Technorati Tags:
marriage, spouses, relationships

I do have trouble with my hearing. Years of sitting in front of the trumpets in Band, coaching and playing drums in Marching Band, and a childhood punctured eardrum have taken their toll on my hearing. That’s not the true issue.

When I don’t hear you, I politely request a repetition. It’s when I think I know what you said that creates a problem. My wife is the most frequent victim of this problem.

“Do the dishes” says she. I respond “OK.” But I know the fishes died years ago. Why should I feed dead fish? She must have forgotten, so I ignore it. “Clean the bathroom” she says. “Yes” I agree. I see the math room. It’s also the science room and the English room. The kids do all their homework there.

What I find strange is how things get stuck in your ears. Yes, that kindergarten jelly bean debacle is one example, but there are other things that get stuck. Requests appear to be larger than other statements and get wedged in there for a while. They are only dislodged when the person who made the request reiterated the request. Apparently the combined force of the request doubled pushes it through. I’m no scientist, but I’m sure there is research on that. The largest phrase of all appears to be “pick up milk.” That phrase never seems to gets through.

I’m often amazed at how things get turned around before they get to the brain. I can’t figure out how “no, we can’t afford that” turns into “make sure they throw in the extended warranty.” I haven’t figured that out no matter how I try.

Unfortunately it appears to be genetic. My children have the same issue. “Be home by eleven” becomes “hope your date is heaven.” “Clean your room” becomes “see you soon.” “Do your homework” turns to “I’m a big jerk.” (I assume that’s what it sounds like. Their reaction when I say it appears to confirm that fact.)

It’s contagious too! Entire discussions I’ve had with my wife seem to disappear in her ear canal. I need not imagine how frustrated others must be when I am so afflicted as I feel it myself as I exclaim “we TALKED about this. You were there! How can you not remember?” Or so I think. It’s possible that was an old discussion dislodged by a gallon of milk.

Well, I need to go now. I have to make a bid on a pool. I don’t know why she wants me to do that now! The kids have to get to school!

Love is hard to find. Truly. Each of us is so flawed I can’t imagine how we can even stand the sight of one another most days. We all have our foibles and issues. When you can finally find someone to love you, should you not seize the opportunity to join with them for a lifetime of love? How can any marriage, any agreement entered into with love and care for another be wrong? Does not Matthew 7:12 say “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Read the last clause again, so you can see “this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” This is not a single part of the law, but the guiding force, the summary of it. If we deny marriage to anyone, we are not living by this guiding principle. There is no qualifier. “This sums up some portions of the Law, but reinterpret other sections as you see fit.”

No. Love is not to be feared, and commitment is not to be denied. The same folks who believe all gay men to be predators of whom our children must be fearful would also deny they be allowed the opportunity to marry. I would say that any man or woman willing to go against community sensibilities and enter into a world so misunderstood and maligned is crazy, not for their preference to love another of their gender but to risk suffering the slings and arrows of narrow-minded members of the human race. That they continue uninhibited is a credit to them and their conquest to find the one person with whom they might share a modicum of happiness.

If circumstances had been different, could I have married? Not another man, but imagine this: If I fell in love with my the woman I now call my wife, and I was told by my family that it was wrong, could I have continued? Would I have been strong enough to foster the relationship? If so, what if the town were to tell me the same? Could I endure? If the state then intervened? Would I be willing and able to look all of those whom I trust AND all of those who would judge me and say “I have made the right choice?” Would I then be truly in love if I had done such a thing? Wouldn’t anyone?

Love itself contains so many hurdles. The odds are already stacked against, dare I say, more “traditional” relationships. Same-sex couples endure far more to get to the point of marriage than my wife and I ever saw. If the path to a mixed gender marriage is a 5k run, same-sex couples run a triathalon to get to the same point. Who are we, anyone, to say they have not the right to cross the finish line?

I try to be spiritual and graceful, but I was moved to tears by Olbermann’s take on this matter. He says it far better than I could.

The full text of the segment can be found at buzznet.com

Believe it or not, I was a teenager once. As a stupid young man, I engaged in a fair amount of stupid activities. I had relations with a few women, and at least once or twice I did so without protection. As such, there were a few months where I waited hopefully for ‘George from Rochester’ to visit. He did. Every time.

Since I met my wife, I’ve been more responsible. Well, for the most part. When we knew we wanted kids but hadn’t yet decided on the when and where, we were a little cavalier. We were occasionally less than careful, but it was not a problem. Having a kid was no biggie, especially since that was the plan. Sooner rather than later was not catastrophic, just unexpected.

Since we’ve had our two kids, we have been quite careful. After my daughter was born, I decided I didn’t want any more children. My wife hadn’t completely agreed, but that’s a different story. The two kids I got were terrific, so why jinx it? I know what causes pregnancy, so it’s fairly easy to avoid.

The issue of abortion is a difficult one for many people, but not for me. In case you forgot, I’m a guy. While I have concerns for my wife’s health, and I get to make health choices for my daughter, at least for a while, I have little to say for anyone else. I wish the government agreed.

I do not believe in abortion as a choice for the women in my family, and would argue against it if they were to consider it as an option. I can’t imagine a lifetime of doubt about what could have or would have been. However, I believe there are many times and many women for who it would be a possible, if not preferred choice. They should be permitted to make that choice.

There are many pains a young women can endure. The pain of having to give up on a college education because they have to care for a child they didn’t expect or really want. The pain of having to collect a welfare check to feed her children. The pain of looking into her child’s eyes and seeing missed opportunities instead of the love and potential. Not all women have a family system to support them. Not all women have the resources to care for a child. My family would welcome, although reluctantly, another child if God thought it our destiny. Not all families could do that with grace and ease.

Yes, every life is sacred. Abortion doesn’t just end a pregnancy, but
it creates a pain that haunts women for the rest of their lives. Any woman who would need to make that choice must certainly be desperate. With proper counseling as a prerequisite, should she not be able to avail herself of every resource we have?

I knew a few girls in my younger years. I wasn’t what the kids today might call a ‘player’ but I did okay. Well, okay for a young man who played the clarinet and saxophone, sang in a Renaissance singing group wearing tights, took tap dancing lessons, and ran away from the only fight that ever came his way.

Believe it or not, there is a woman in the world who finds these things attractive. Scoff if you want, but it’s true. We’ve been married for 18 years. We dated for three years before that. We met 7 years before we started dating. In total, we have known each other closely and peripherally for 28 years. It’s a long and somewhat wierd story.

We met doing theater. I was playing Judas in a community theater production of “Godspell.” She was prop mistress for the show. She was also dating “Jesus.” We knew one another, and actually went out on a double date once. I was fifteen years old, and I had a habit of dating older women. She was 18, but never popped on my radar as a person in whom I had an interest. She just wasn’t on my radar.

The show ended, she got engaged and went to college. I went back to high school. She and the right-hand-of-the-father never married, and after what could be called a bad breakup, she decided to go away to graduate school. In the meantime, I was finishing my time at high school and spending four years in the business world.

Our worlds collided again when she returned from grad school and decided to get back into community theater. A friend had called her to be the stage manager for a workshop production. The theater hosting the workshop was showing “The Threepenny Opera” at the time, so she had to coordinate events with the resident stage manager. I was the resident stage manager. I was finishing up my last show prior to going away for my undergrad. She came in, I looked into her eyes, and remembered I was going away to school.

She claims she knew soon after we met that we would be together forever. It took me a while. It was 7 days before I was sure she was the one for me. It was a whirlwind at first, but a long-distance relationship is not really whirling as much as it is slogging. It was terrific, and she got me through a lot of difficult times in college. Her love and support were indispensable. I would not have finished school had it not been for her on the other end of the phone.

We were married 18 years ago, and she has been there for me every day since. I could not imagine spending my life without her. I only hope someday to be able to show her how important she really is to me.