Dad Revisited

You want your children to learn as much as they can. You want to give them as many opportunities as possible. So you send them away on school overnight trips. With this in mind, my son prepared for two wonderful travel opportunities in the span of two weeks.

Of course, the day before he leaves, something tragic happens in his family, and he ends up visiting with a grandparent, perhaps for the last time. This trauma affects him deeply, but he stands tall and tries to ignore the possibilities while trying to enjoy himself on the trip. The trip goes off as scheduled, and when he returns (after 3 days out of cellular range) he gets to see his grandparent, who has managed to not only survive, but to thrive.

Then he packs and plans for an international trip. We equipped him with an international calling card. We gave him an international cellular phone. He visited again with his ailing grandparent, who will likely still be here upon his return, but will almost certainly not be home any time soon. Again, he was upbeat, even though he knows that when he returns, we’ll have one more in the house. He agrees it would be wrong to leave one in a house alone while the other is in a rehab facility. And so, when he returns, we will no longer be nuclear, but extended.

Off he goes, landing uneventfully in Paris. Checking in at the hostel, he begins his international adventure with enthusiasm and joy. After a few days, he leaves the hostel to head home. Not home to us, but a temporary home with the student he hosted in November. For us as parents, a much more comforting time. What could be better than having him stay with a family? We had hosted their child, we imagined a quid pro quo would allow him to be protected and comfortable.

Who could predict that we’d have trouble figuring out how to text message from abroad? Who would have predicted we’d have to try a variety of ways to call from his cellular to mine? Who would expect a tragedy in their household? Who could predict that the family would be devastated in a way that would make it impossible for them to continue to host him? Who would know that he would be thrust into a circumstance which would be nearly impossible to manage in English, with a family you know well? How can he possibly be expected to manage it in French, with a family he barely knows, on their worst day ever?

I consider myself to be an outstanding planner, but some things you just can’t be expected to predict. Be safe and well, Skippy. Hugs are waiting for you at home.

My friend Chris, who is writing curriculum for his music students, is crafting Essential Questions for his lessons. Essential Questions are those which, if you have developed and taught your lesson well, all will be able to answer at the end. He believes educators must also ask themselves Essential Questions as they do their jobs. I believe, especially of late, that each of us as people must answer Essential Questions. I believe those questions differ depending on your age and where you ‘are’ in your life.

Individuals with children face these questions: Should I be more or less involved in the lives of my children? Should I choose for them, or let them choose? Should I steer them away from all risks, or let them discover the world for what it really is and has become? Should I keep my ’safe’ job, or take a risk that could put my family in financial jeopardy?

If you are in a marriage or relationship, you face different, but similarly important questions. Is this the person for me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship? Is my partner happy? Am I doing all I can to make this relationship happy, successful, and sustainable? Will we be better off if I subjugate myself to him/her right now? Are we healthy together? Are we better apart?

As individuals, we must answer the more basic questions. Am I happy? Can I be a better person? Should I be more charitable? Is it time to sit down and take it, or stand up and fight? What are my goals, my visions, my dreams? Can I attain them? Is what is good for me in keeping with the greater good? Does that matter to me? Take a good look at these questions, because they are cumulative. We all answer the basic questions. Those of us married and with children must answer them all.

But I’ve left out the most basic, most essential question of all. It’s not “How shall I live?” buy “Shall I live?” if you believe that life requires an energy, a force of will, than this becomes a critical question. But why, WHY would someone answer no? Certainly we’ve seen those who, in a fit of loneliness, pain, or alienation have thought living was no longer valuable. What of the father, who for years has supported his family, who now cannot do so? Perhaps he’s discovered he’s worth more fiscally dead than alive. Maybe he simply cannot watch as his family struggles to stay alive. Maybe the guilt (justified or not) he feels in his failures weighs too heavily on his soul. These days, many individuals must be in this mindset. I’ve felt their pain. All I can say for them is that no family is better off in their absence. No amount of money would ever replace a loving parent, or assuage the pain and guilt stemming from their absence.

What of those who are older? If life requires an energy force, how long can any of us sustain it? Have you 50 years in you? 65? 80? 90? There are days where I wonder how I will find a forty fourth. If you reach 80 years, haveyou worked hard enough? Could you hang on to be with your mate. Hopefully your children are settled and no longer need your care. If you’ve taught them everything they need to know, can you give up without guilt?

As I sit with my mother-in-law, I consider the gifts I have, the gifts she’s given me, and the life force she’s carried for so long. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention during the lesson. I can’t answer the Essential Question.

My wife and I are Band Parents. Not only am I a Band Parent, but as a music teacher, I’ve met a lot of band parents.

They are… different. They are not cheerleader parents killing another flute player’s mom for a solo.

They are not Little League parents who yell at the director after some kid blows the trumpet feature they think their child would have nailed.

They are not stage parents who push their kids to be the star they never could be.

Band parents are tough. They endure the blistering heat of the Memorial Day parade and suffer the icy cold of football championships on Thanksgiving Weekend.

Band parents are resourceful. They fix a hem on a uniform in mid-parade, fix instruments they have never played and cases that have seen better days.

Band parents are sensitive. They find positive words for mediocre performances and reassuring words for solos missed.

Band parents are enthusiastic. They cheer as loudly for the last halftime show as the first, and smile widely as they sell yet another plate of cookies.

Band parents are eclectic. They love the symphonies of the orchestra, the extended jams of the jazz band, and the close harmonies of the choir.

Band parents are selfless. They give up dinner to get their children to concerts for the warm-up, and luxuries to pay for extra lessons at festival time.

Band parents are patient. They put up with Machiavellian band directors and discombobulated orchestra leaders.

Band parents aren’t better than anyone else, nor do we think ourselves better. Many of us were band geeks when we were growing up. We just find it hard to believe that any child would not want to be in the band. It might seem like we are stunned when you say your child would rather play football. Don’t worry- we are, but it’s less about you than it is about us. We know, just as you know, that there is little chance that our children will be successful football players or musicians when they grow to adulthood, but it’s fun to consider.

Well, at least that’s what I tell myself as I freeze my keister off on the icy cold bleachers late on a Friday Night in November.

Why do kids lie? In my experience, kids lie for a variety of reasons. The most popular reasons are to avoid getting in trouble with adult authority figures or to make themselves sound better than they truly are. What I find especially intriguing is the flimsy lies that children think we’ll accept. You can catch a child in the same lie time and time again, and they will still concoct the same lie in order to avoid your ire.

These days, I have little confidence in what my kids tell me. They lie. No details here, but trust me, they do. Most of the time it’s to avoid what they are sure will be my ire. They think I’ll be mad about a bad grade. They’re sure I’ll yell because they didn’t take their medication. Again.

I do get mad. I yell. I get on them about what they do. For example, I’ll get a report from my child about a spectacular performance on a test. I’ll ask about the other test they were studying for. That test, they explain, has yet to be returned to them. They got a good grade. They’ll even tell me the grade. Inevitably I’ll get an email from the teacher, or I’ll contact the teacher to follow up on this mystery test. The test was returned the day previous, he says. Your child did very poorly, he says. Additionally, your child is behind in homework, which is hurting the overall grade.

Dad: “Why didn’t you tell me about the test?”
Child: “I thought you would be mad.”
Dad: “When you’ve brought me poor test grades before, did I get mad, or did I offer to help you study?”
Child: “You helped me study.”
Dad: “Where is the test?”
Child: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “You threw it away, didn’t you?”
Child: “I lost it.”
Dad: “Uh huh. So how can I help you study, when you don’t have the test?”

If I had a nickel (or a copy of a failed test) for every time I’ve had this conversation, I’d be rich. OK, I’d be happy. Happier. Should I expect it? I guess not. It’s a fact of life. Kids need to find out what they can do, what they can’t do, and where to draw the line. They need to accept responsibility for their actions, which is a very mature attitude. Most adults have trouble with this. I know it’s never been easy for me. I have to work at it every day.

I wonder how my mother kept her sanity, because as I see my children acting in this way, I recall that I was much the same. I must have frayed her nerves in a terrible way. God grant us all serenity, for we need it.

Grounding is defined as the restriction of a child’s freedom of movement for a specified amount of time or until the child meets a certain condition (or conditions). We are newly in the position of having to consider really using grounding as a method of discipline. We have seen positive results, but often wonder how effective it truly is at changing behavior. Is there really a change taking place, or are we merely witnessing an Oscar-worthy performance as the sanctions are lifted?

Below are some interesting thoughts and ideas that come from Dr. Kenneth Kaye’s book entitled Family Rules, © 2005, published by iUniverse Incorporated. The summary is from The University of Louisville website.

Kaye asserts that grounding should be used as a logical consequence for children’s problem behaviors and should be used for one or more of these reasons:

• To show children that they’re not using their freedom responsibly.
• To provide extra supervision so that they have the opportunity to show improvement with their problem behavior. Example: Parent stays home with teenager on week nights until she brings her math grade up to passing or better.
• To help children realize that they’re engaging in certain behaviors that their parents deem are incompatible with being a part of the family.
• To separate children from particular friends and/or a certain event that Mom and Dad disapprove of.

There are some things to keep in mind when assigning grounding as a sanction:

• Grounding must be done in small increments of time—minutes, hours, or days. Then, if children defy the grounding, it is increased in small amounts as well.The author explains that if the original amount of grounding time is large (ie, weeks or months), parents risk escalating their child’s defiance rather quickly.

EXAMPLE: Talking on the phone instead of doing homework.
Normal Consequence: Cell phone taken away for one day and evening.
First Escalation: Cell taken away for one additional day/night.
Second Escalation: Three days.
Third Escalation: Four days.

• Make sure the situation/activity the child is being grounded from is something he really sees as punishment. If he doesn’t seem to care whether or not he goes to his grandfather’s birthday party, ground him on another day when he’ll miss going out with his friends.
• Be prepared to alter your routine in order to enforce the grounding. This may mean making small sacrifices and inconveniencing one or more members of your family. Dr. Kaye reminds us that making small sacrifices now will reap benefits in the future for you and your child. So, if grounding your daughter means that one parent stays home with her and misses the family’s Friday pizza night, so be it.
• Be ready to take extra steps to enforce the grounding if need be. The author of advises parents that if your son leaves the house and goes to the party anyway, go and get him. This action lets him know that you mean business. Kaye says not to worry about embarrassing your son, since his friends probably already know that he’s supposed to be grounded anyway.

As a final note, Dr. Kaye cautions parents that there are a few instances when grounding is not appropriate. These times are:

• When your child enjoys spending time alone in her room. Here, restricting her to her room will serve to reward her instead of punishing her.Try taking a privilege away instead, or require her to spend some time outside her room like outdoors.
• If your child has a history of violent behavior and/or has been physically abusive toward you parents.

I hate grounding my children. I don’t like removing them from activities they enjoy. I especially do not enjoy having to sit around with them while they are in a terrible mood. However, there is little denying that it appears to work. Even if they do not welcome the change they have to make, they will almost certainly make it IF they know you will stick to your guns and keep them from the party, so to speak.

Do you ground your kids? What events (or privileges) do they sacrifice?