Dad Revisited

When we put an addition on the house, my wife had the brilliance and forethought to create a Family Room that could easily be repurposed into an apartment. As we got older, she reasoned, so would our parents. That would require us to have a place i our home for them to live, either temporarily or permanently.

That would prove to be particularly prescient. Recently, my mother-in-law took ill. She is currently in a facility receiving care she truly needs. She is, for the most part, healthy and will probably continue to be healthy for some time to come. She will require special care for a while, and even when she is ready to return home, she will likely be unable to care for herself without some assistance.

My father-in-law is as healthy as he has been for some time. At least, as far as his body goes. His heart is ailing. He has lived with the same woman for over 60 years, and now she’s out of the house. He could live alone, but the house is so… empty. He has never really cooked for himself. He is not so big on laundry. He comes from a generation where gender roles are very strictly defined. Sure, he can fix things that are broken, but that’s not enough.

Having a mate changes the way you live your life. You get used to it, after a while. When you live alone, who will steal the section of the paper you were reading? Who leaves the seat up/down on the toilet? Who will leave the dishes in the sink? The empty ice trays on the counter? The nearly empty gas tank? The box with 2 crackers left? Sure, sometimes we get aggravated by these little foibles and peculiarities, but after creating a rhythm or routine that incorporates them, their sudden removal leaves you tripping over yourself. At a time of stress, you feel those losses quite dearly.

When we were young and still searching for that ’someone’ we filled those empty moments. We filled the emptiness with the search itself. Once you’ve found that someone, the search is over, and you can’t pick it up again. When we were young, we filled the emptiness with drink. Now we’re too old for that. When we were young, we filled the emptiness with friends. At a certain age, you have few (if any) friends left.

You have family.

And so, we find ourselves, for a time at least, as an extended family. New members. New challenges. New arrangements. New schedules. Life moves quickly. Gotta keep up.

You want your children to learn as much as they can. You want to give them as many opportunities as possible. So you send them away on school overnight trips. With this in mind, my son prepared for two wonderful travel opportunities in the span of two weeks.

Of course, the day before he leaves, something tragic happens in his family, and he ends up visiting with a grandparent, perhaps for the last time. This trauma affects him deeply, but he stands tall and tries to ignore the possibilities while trying to enjoy himself on the trip. The trip goes off as scheduled, and when he returns (after 3 days out of cellular range) he gets to see his grandparent, who has managed to not only survive, but to thrive.

Then he packs and plans for an international trip. We equipped him with an international calling card. We gave him an international cellular phone. He visited again with his ailing grandparent, who will likely still be here upon his return, but will almost certainly not be home any time soon. Again, he was upbeat, even though he knows that when he returns, we’ll have one more in the house. He agrees it would be wrong to leave one in a house alone while the other is in a rehab facility. And so, when he returns, we will no longer be nuclear, but extended.

Off he goes, landing uneventfully in Paris. Checking in at the hostel, he begins his international adventure with enthusiasm and joy. After a few days, he leaves the hostel to head home. Not home to us, but a temporary home with the student he hosted in November. For us as parents, a much more comforting time. What could be better than having him stay with a family? We had hosted their child, we imagined a quid pro quo would allow him to be protected and comfortable.

Who could predict that we’d have trouble figuring out how to text message from abroad? Who would have predicted we’d have to try a variety of ways to call from his cellular to mine? Who would expect a tragedy in their household? Who could predict that the family would be devastated in a way that would make it impossible for them to continue to host him? Who would know that he would be thrust into a circumstance which would be nearly impossible to manage in English, with a family you know well? How can he possibly be expected to manage it in French, with a family he barely knows, on their worst day ever?

I consider myself to be an outstanding planner, but some things you just can’t be expected to predict. Be safe and well, Skippy. Hugs are waiting for you at home.

My friend Chris, who is writing curriculum for his music students, is crafting Essential Questions for his lessons. Essential Questions are those which, if you have developed and taught your lesson well, all will be able to answer at the end. He believes educators must also ask themselves Essential Questions as they do their jobs. I believe, especially of late, that each of us as people must answer Essential Questions. I believe those questions differ depending on your age and where you ‘are’ in your life.

Individuals with children face these questions: Should I be more or less involved in the lives of my children? Should I choose for them, or let them choose? Should I steer them away from all risks, or let them discover the world for what it really is and has become? Should I keep my ’safe’ job, or take a risk that could put my family in financial jeopardy?

If you are in a marriage or relationship, you face different, but similarly important questions. Is this the person for me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship? Is my partner happy? Am I doing all I can to make this relationship happy, successful, and sustainable? Will we be better off if I subjugate myself to him/her right now? Are we healthy together? Are we better apart?

As individuals, we must answer the more basic questions. Am I happy? Can I be a better person? Should I be more charitable? Is it time to sit down and take it, or stand up and fight? What are my goals, my visions, my dreams? Can I attain them? Is what is good for me in keeping with the greater good? Does that matter to me? Take a good look at these questions, because they are cumulative. We all answer the basic questions. Those of us married and with children must answer them all.

But I’ve left out the most basic, most essential question of all. It’s not “How shall I live?” buy “Shall I live?” if you believe that life requires an energy, a force of will, than this becomes a critical question. But why, WHY would someone answer no? Certainly we’ve seen those who, in a fit of loneliness, pain, or alienation have thought living was no longer valuable. What of the father, who for years has supported his family, who now cannot do so? Perhaps he’s discovered he’s worth more fiscally dead than alive. Maybe he simply cannot watch as his family struggles to stay alive. Maybe the guilt (justified or not) he feels in his failures weighs too heavily on his soul. These days, many individuals must be in this mindset. I’ve felt their pain. All I can say for them is that no family is better off in their absence. No amount of money would ever replace a loving parent, or assuage the pain and guilt stemming from their absence.

What of those who are older? If life requires an energy force, how long can any of us sustain it? Have you 50 years in you? 65? 80? 90? There are days where I wonder how I will find a forty fourth. If you reach 80 years, haveyou worked hard enough? Could you hang on to be with your mate. Hopefully your children are settled and no longer need your care. If you’ve taught them everything they need to know, can you give up without guilt?

As I sit with my mother-in-law, I consider the gifts I have, the gifts she’s given me, and the life force she’s carried for so long. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention during the lesson. I can’t answer the Essential Question.

Photo from Love-Sessions.com

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to spend more time with my wife and value that relationship more. She and I took our first step by having the first Date Night we’ve had in a while.

Getting out of the house for date night is no easy task these days. Going on a date before kids is as easy as picking up the phone, saying “do you have plans?” and heading out the door. Once you have kids, it gets much more complicated. When they were younger, it was about finding a babysitter for the two of them. Then as my son got to be old enough, it was “whose house is he playing at and who will watch my daughter?” Now that they are 15 and 11, it’s become complicated in other ways. Read the rest of this entry »

Taking a blog hiatus means I’m a little behind in my blogging to-do list. I thought it would be a good idea to set some goals for myself in each of the core areas of this blog. You know, offer a little focus to my quest for self-improvement.

Resolution 1- Lose Weight and Improve General Health

A few years ago, I weighed in at 250 pounds. I felt terrible at that weight, so I put myself on a self-designed regimen of exercise (walking every day for about 2 miles) and diet (more vegetables and fruits, much less volume of everything else.) It worked, and I lost 30 pounds.

Now, I’ve regained all the weight, and then some! When I’m fat, I’m not as good as father as I should be. I finish work and want to go to sleep. I don’t have the energy to play or even talk with the kids most days. I don’t feel attractive, so it has an impact on my, er, um, marriage. Not to mention the fact that if I drop the weight, I increase my life span significantly. I’ll be a much better father and husband if I am, in fact, alive. Of course, I am worth a significant amount of money deceased, so there is a potential fail/win if I don’t lose the weight. However, I resolve to get my weight down to 220 pounds.

Resolution 2- Learn from The Cobbler

I’ve heard many times about The Cobbler whose kids have no shoes. I will make sure my children have shoes… no, wait! That’s not it. Actually, my kids are both extremely talented musically. My son is even considering going into Music Education. You would think that I’d be on that like white on rice. I’m not.

There are a variety of factors that contribute. Distance is a big one. We’re apart for 4 night every week, so we don’t get to touch base all week on things like practice. Then I come home for the weekend and get dragged into things that are more pressing but less important. I resolve to make more time to foster my children’s musical talents.

Resolution 3- Remember The Most Important Earthly Relationship

We are all a collection of our experiences and relationships. Many are by chance. We do not pick our mother, nor do we pick our father. Our children are born to us. We choose to have them (usually) but we must play the hand we’re dealt. You can’t just bail on your kids if the relationship is in trouble. They are yours for keeps.

We make one truly important choice in our lives: the choice of a mate. I remind my kids when they get particularly thorny with their mother that “she was the one I chose to spend my life with. I love them, but she comes first.” The truth of that is often forgotten in the heat of whatever family moment we are in. I need to remember each and every moment that the most important person in my life is my wife. The fact that she is so wonderful should make me get down on my knees each day to give thanks. What it actually does is allow me to put her needs second, third, and last, knowing that she is so special she will never hold it against me. She deserves better, and I would like to try to give her better. I resolve to spend at least two nights each month putting her needs first and foremost.

Check out my resolutions on Faith and Technology.

Technorati Tags:
parenting, marriage, children, kids, fatherhood, spouses,
diet, exercise, health

My wife and I are Band Parents. Not only am I a Band Parent, but as a music teacher, I’ve met a lot of band parents.

They are… different. They are not cheerleader parents killing another flute player’s mom for a solo.

They are not Little League parents who yell at the director after some kid blows the trumpet feature they think their child would have nailed.

They are not stage parents who push their kids to be the star they never could be.

Band parents are tough. They endure the blistering heat of the Memorial Day parade and suffer the icy cold of football championships on Thanksgiving Weekend.

Band parents are resourceful. They fix a hem on a uniform in mid-parade, fix instruments they have never played and cases that have seen better days.

Band parents are sensitive. They find positive words for mediocre performances and reassuring words for solos missed.

Band parents are enthusiastic. They cheer as loudly for the last halftime show as the first, and smile widely as they sell yet another plate of cookies.

Band parents are eclectic. They love the symphonies of the orchestra, the extended jams of the jazz band, and the close harmonies of the choir.

Band parents are selfless. They give up dinner to get their children to concerts for the warm-up, and luxuries to pay for extra lessons at festival time.

Band parents are patient. They put up with Machiavellian band directors and discombobulated orchestra leaders.

Band parents aren’t better than anyone else, nor do we think ourselves better. Many of us were band geeks when we were growing up. We just find it hard to believe that any child would not want to be in the band. It might seem like we are stunned when you say your child would rather play football. Don’t worry- we are, but it’s less about you than it is about us. We know, just as you know, that there is little chance that our children will be successful football players or musicians when they grow to adulthood, but it’s fun to consider.

Well, at least that’s what I tell myself as I freeze my keister off on the icy cold bleachers late on a Friday Night in November.

Why do kids lie? In my experience, kids lie for a variety of reasons. The most popular reasons are to avoid getting in trouble with adult authority figures or to make themselves sound better than they truly are. What I find especially intriguing is the flimsy lies that children think we’ll accept. You can catch a child in the same lie time and time again, and they will still concoct the same lie in order to avoid your ire.

These days, I have little confidence in what my kids tell me. They lie. No details here, but trust me, they do. Most of the time it’s to avoid what they are sure will be my ire. They think I’ll be mad about a bad grade. They’re sure I’ll yell because they didn’t take their medication. Again.

I do get mad. I yell. I get on them about what they do. For example, I’ll get a report from my child about a spectacular performance on a test. I’ll ask about the other test they were studying for. That test, they explain, has yet to be returned to them. They got a good grade. They’ll even tell me the grade. Inevitably I’ll get an email from the teacher, or I’ll contact the teacher to follow up on this mystery test. The test was returned the day previous, he says. Your child did very poorly, he says. Additionally, your child is behind in homework, which is hurting the overall grade.

Dad: “Why didn’t you tell me about the test?”
Child: “I thought you would be mad.”
Dad: “When you’ve brought me poor test grades before, did I get mad, or did I offer to help you study?”
Child: “You helped me study.”
Dad: “Where is the test?”
Child: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “You threw it away, didn’t you?”
Child: “I lost it.”
Dad: “Uh huh. So how can I help you study, when you don’t have the test?”

If I had a nickel (or a copy of a failed test) for every time I’ve had this conversation, I’d be rich. OK, I’d be happy. Happier. Should I expect it? I guess not. It’s a fact of life. Kids need to find out what they can do, what they can’t do, and where to draw the line. They need to accept responsibility for their actions, which is a very mature attitude. Most adults have trouble with this. I know it’s never been easy for me. I have to work at it every day.

I wonder how my mother kept her sanity, because as I see my children acting in this way, I recall that I was much the same. I must have frayed her nerves in a terrible way. God grant us all serenity, for we need it.

I’ve been hating on Vista. A lot. I had little luck with Vista, which caused my computer to crash, lag, and generally aggravate me.

Since I’ve gotten my Macbook, I’ve set up the old Vista laptop at home for the kids to use as a second computer. Since they are both in upper schools, they need to type their work and do internet research. I never had cause to set up additional accounts on my Vista laptop, since it was mine, Mine MINE! Now that it is gleefully NOT mine, I decided to poke around a bit.

It turns out that Vista’s Parental Controls are pretty cool. They are similar to Apple’s, in that you can restrict access to certain programs**. You can also program in certain sites that your children can and cannot visit. For me, the big coup comes in the Usage Logs available to system administrators in Vista.

We often like to check on whether or not our kids are practicing responsible behavior on the internet. We also like to check on their productivity in front of the keyboard. For example, are they on Facebook or are they doing their research? Are they checking out the latest video on YouTube, or are they answering the email they received from their teacher? We can do that on the Mac, provided they do NOT erase the History.

I know. Your kid doesn’t think like that. We thought that too. We were wrong.

In Vista, the Usage Report is available only to administrators. It even reminds you to check it on a user-selected timetable. I like that.

You may think your kids are doing the right thing. Understand that the internet is a big, scary place. They don’t always know they are doing the wrong thing. Kids don’t wander away from their parents at the Mall on purpose. They get distracted by the big shiny thing, and suddenly they are gone. The same happens on the internet. One link leads to another, and suddenly they are in a porn storm. They will not tell you. Okay, a few will. Many will not.  Usage logs allow you to go back and check for understanding AND good practice.

If your child’s teacher took your kid’s word for whether or not they knew a concept, you’d go nuts. “I asked him if he understood. He said yes, so we moved on.” You expect a test. Isn’t this concept important enough to warrant a test?

** Apple’s system for allowing/denying access to sites is easier to manage on the fly, as it requires only a parent password while your child is logged in. Vista requires the parent to log in to manage access to web sites.

I get this in one of my email accounts every year. I understand what it’s saying, and I’m not happy with the way the world is now, but it is not the same world you and I grew up in as children. In any case, either a frustrated coworker, an overwrought mom, or a lamenting dad shares their frustration with the changes in the world by sending this to everyone in their email list. As we commemorate 9/11 and the new and sometimes frightening world in which we live, let’s remember (hopefully with fondness) the world we knew so well when we grew up.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

• We survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
• They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
• Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
• As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
• Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.
• We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
• We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
• We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
• No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
• We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes! After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
• We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms…….
• WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
• We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
• We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
• We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
• We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
• Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
• The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one them, CONGRATULATIONS!

A quote from Jay Leno:

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?