Dad Revisited

I took one for the team today.

I went and saw Duchess with my wife. On opening night. At 8:05 p.m. I was not the only guy there. There were about 25 people in the theater. 3 of them were men. 1 of them was French, so I don’t think that counts, but I was one of two American guys there.

It’s tough being a guy at a chick flick. However, I have created a protocol you can follow to help you survive the experience with your dignity intact, and actually have a little fun at the same time.

Guy at a Chick Flick Protocol

1. If you have not come out with another couple, find the other guy or guys in the theater This is important to do in the beginning, while the lighting is available. You will need to find them later, and in the rush to exit the theater, you want to have your path to them planned well in advance.
2. Acknowledge their pain with a similarly pained look. It’s not difficult to do, but if you are not a good mimic, practice in the Men’s Room mirror prior to entering the theater proper. You want to achieve a look somwhere between’Oprah? Do we HAVE to watch Oprah?‘ and  ‘Ick! I just found that old gym bag with the clothes still in it!!!‘
3. Mention a television or sporting event that you are NOT seeing or attending in order to be at the movie. State it simply. “No Rangers tonight, huh?” This will put you on a common ground, and make it clear to your new wingman that you are a straight husband with his wife, and not a gay guy out with a female friend. Caution:  Project Runway and Dancing With The Stars are not acceptable at this point in the discussion. (See step #7 for when they may be allowed.)
4. Find a seat nearby. You need to be close enough to overhear their conversation. This is important. (Seating location is very important for steps #5 and 6.)
5. Make certain you speak in a loud enough voice to be overheard by your wingman.
6. When one of you says something stupid, or gets into a difficult position, as wingman the other is responsible for saying something similarly insensitive or misogynistic to deflect some of the animus which might ensue. This is an important task, because it allows for deniability later. (See step #10)
7. Make sure to mention other less-than-masculine things that your wife has made you do. These may included watching shows like Project Runway, Oprah, or Dancing With The Stars. Play along with one another, but understand that each of you must make disdainful looks at your wives during these comments. (You must effectively convey to your wife a “this guy is a jerk” attitude to prepare for step #10.)
8. Go to the snack bar or the Men’s Room. You can commiserate with your wingman while you are out, and get your last breath of fresh air before the onslaught of estrogen begins.
9. When the film is over, make a big deal about ANY aspects of the film that might be enjoyable for a guy. A gruesome death, nudity, explicit scenes, or anything especially, er, intimate between women is a winner. Your wife chose a movie that has appeal for you, and she should hear about it as soon as possible. Use the same voice you used for step #5, and acknowledge the comments of your wingman. It’s OK. You can get away with it now that we’ve come to step #10.
10. You will never see him again, so throw your buddy under the bus. “Can you believe what a jerk that guy was? The only reason I went along with him was to be polite. You KNOW I don’t feel that way. I actually liked the movie!” Don’t sweat it. He’s doing the same thing to you. Even if you meet again, you’ll still be “that jerk” and you can both complain about your wives with impunity.

Now the disclaimers:

• My wife NEVER makes me go to chick flicks.
• She usually goes to movies where stuff blows up to keep me happy.
• Neither one of us really liked the movie.
• There was an especially intimate scene with Keira and her female friend. I liked it. I told my wife. She knew I was going to mention it.
• The hats and hair were pretty cool.
• Keira Knightley looks good in just about anything. She is one of the few movie actresses who looks better dressed than undressed.