Forgetting to Remember
Having a schedule when you write a blog is important. If you write about current events or today’s news, you can get away with the “hmm… Let’s see what Steve Jobs did today” thing. Faith is different. Faith has a deep and rich history, and a calendar published WAY in advance.
That’s why I feel like such a dolt for missing All Souls Day last week. Luckily for me I was reminded by my friend Julie Fay, columnist and blogger. We’ve just reconnected after 17 years (thank you Facebook) and while catching up on her blog I read HER post on All Souls Day.
I haven’t had too much death in my life, but some of them have moved me deeply. Sure, when my paternal grandfather died I was disconnected from that side of my family. However, when my maternal grandfather died about 16 years ago it hit me pretty hard. He was given a military funeral (as a WWII disabled veteran) with all the bells and whistles. When that bugler starts, it’s not possible to remain unmoved. The rest of my family has (mercifully) been well.
Sure, a few folks outside I the family have touched me as well. Michelle’s dad Pete, who for a while was the closest thing I had to a father. Lori from HS, who decided a year after graduation to leap from a local bridge. Ken from college. That one hurt in so many ways. Eric, the middle schooler I saw each day. I couldn’t cry for him publicly because I was the anchor of the Community Crisis Team.
Some people know everything about death. They can tell you days and dates. They remember All Souls Day and memorial services and such. That’s not me. The few deaths I’ve dealt with have been painful enough that to memorialize that pain is too much for me.
Please don’t get me wrong. I’ll never forget the day they died. The days afterward. Those days held pain for me for a long time afterward. They were the only days I could remember. The pain became a tall fence that prevented me from seeing what was behind it, what came before. Every calendar page I tore off took me further from the fence. Now I’ve reached higher ground. The fence is still there, but I can see the beauty beyond it. The long drive I took with my grandad that one Thanksgiving we were both leaving late. Sitting by the pool with Pete. The play I did in middle school with Lori. Sharing a coffee in the Commons with Ken. Eric, who made me crazy as a student but who I liked as a person.
Some things are better held at a distance.
Beautifully written. And while I AM one of those people who tends to remember exact dates, it isn’t he date that really matters. I think remembering the ways they touched our lives is infinitely more important. So if All Souls Day brings you comfort, so be it. But for me, I’d rather recall the ways they touched my life in the little things of everyday life.
NIcely done. I don’t remember any dates except my dads. Season I could probably do, but that’s about it. What I tend to recall are the little things that I miss – the birthdays, the holidays, the random Tuesday that we met for coffee, riding in the van to St MAry’s to team teach on a frigid potsdam Morning… things like that.
Death is a part of life -but it shouldn’t be all encompassing and thus I think it being held at a distance isn’t a bad thing. Don’t forget about it, but it doesn’t have to be the main focal point of every day.
I’m reminded of this as we march towards a very painful finishing line in my household with a brother. We have recently gone to the morphine drip and after 9 years of a horrible killer of a disease the only thing left is death. And it’s incredibly difficult and painful to watch when there’s absolutely nothing you can do.
Thanks for a wonderfully written perspective! As usual!
The St. Mary’s van! Ken could make that drive in 5 minutes flat, and it was an 8 minute drive. Memories.