When we put an addition on the house, my wife had the brilliance and forethought to create a Family Room that could easily be repurposed into an apartment. As we got older, she reasoned, so would our parents. That would require us to have a place i our home for them to live, either temporarily or permanently.
That would prove to be particularly prescient. Recently, my mother-in-law took ill. She is currently in a facility receiving care she truly needs. She is, for the most part, healthy and will probably continue to be healthy for some time to come. She will require special care for a while, and even when she is ready to return home, she will likely be unable to care for herself without some assistance.
My father-in-law is as healthy as he has been for some time. At least, as far as his body goes. His heart is ailing. He has lived with the same woman for over 60 years, and now she’s out of the house. He could live alone, but the house is so… empty. He has never really cooked for himself. He is not so big on laundry. He comes from a generation where gender roles are very strictly defined. Sure, he can fix things that are broken, but that’s not enough.
Having a mate changes the way you live your life. You get used to it, after a while. When you live alone, who will steal the section of the paper you were reading? Who leaves the seat up/down on the toilet? Who will leave the dishes in the sink? The empty ice trays on the counter? The nearly empty gas tank? The box with 2 crackers left? Sure, sometimes we get aggravated by these little foibles and peculiarities, but after creating a rhythm or routine that incorporates them, their sudden removal leaves you tripping over yourself. At a time of stress, you feel those losses quite dearly.
When we were young and still searching for that ’someone’ we filled those empty moments. We filled the emptiness with the search itself. Once you’ve found that someone, the search is over, and you can’t pick it up again. When we were young, we filled the emptiness with drink. Now we’re too old for that. When we were young, we filled the emptiness with friends. At a certain age, you have few (if any) friends left.
You have family.
And so, we find ourselves, for a time at least, as an extended family. New members. New challenges. New arrangements. New schedules. Life moves quickly. Gotta keep up.
April 21st, 2009 at 9:29 pm
All the more reason to love and enjoy your family while they are still around. Good luck in this new chapter in your lives. You are indeed the sandwich generation.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:03 pm
So many true points, and very poignantly made. It’s so difficult when we become the “parents” to our own parents. So many affairs to attend to, so much paperwork to fill out. Not to be presuptuous, but if anyone else is also in this situation, I urge you to have “the conversation” with your folks about getting their affairs in order. Find an elder-care attorney who is compassionate and understanding and start sheltering those assets NOW.
But I’ve found that, as I get older, I have almost no family left. My friends have become my family. Their kids have become our “almost kids.” We share in their struggles, successes and everyday life. The old saying goes that you can’t chose your family, but you can chose your friends. Thank goodness that I’ve chosen so well.