Dad Revisited

The first part of the year seems to always come down to some kind of sacrifice. First we have our New Year’s resolutions, which never include “spend more time on the internet, watch more television, and eat a lot of chocolate.” I spend the better part of January trying to keep to those resolutions. Of course, many of those fall to the wayside by February 1st. February is spent mostly regretting all the junk I didn’t get done.

I forgot! I have another chance! I can give up all the same things AGAIN for Lent. Now I’m starting to think to myself “why do I bother making resolutions when Lent is coming in a month? I can make my same sacrifices and have them count TWICE!” This leaves me in a quandry, though.

If I had resolved to give up chocolate at New Year’s, I’d have blown it about 3 days after New Years. That means my resolution is no longer in play. I can give up chocolate for Lent now, right? If I do that, does it count as a new sacrifice for my faith, or is it simply a cop out for my own convenience? Read the rest of this entry »

Church Clock Tower,
originally uploaded by lolowar.

Roman Catholics are the busiest of the faithful. I know that seems a bold observation and a gross generalization, but I know it to be true. How could I know such a thing? I know because I have studied it using the tools I learned in Sociology 101- observation and extrapolation.

I’ve spent many years observing the arrival times of people to Sunday Mass. In the R.C. churches I have attended, the earliest attendee arrives at Mass approximately 30 minutes before the scheduled start time. Because she is so unique, and her arrival time so much earlier than the rest, she (and yes, it’s ALWAYS a ’she’) is an outlier, a bit of data that falls outside the normal distribution. Most if the rest arrive in a block,so the normal range for arrival begins at 8 minutes prior to scheduled start (T minus 8 minutes, to use a familiar parlance), with an increase in incidents at T minus 90 seconds that continues through T plus 5 minutes. Outliers on the other side of the range continue through the T+15 range.

Departure times are equally revealing. Departures begin immediately following individual procession to receive communion (which researchers have termed “eat and run”) and occurs approximately 8 minutes prior to the end of mass, or D minus 8 minutes. There are a few of these, and they appear to skew towards younger members of the study group. The vast majority of attendees depart, or attempt to depart, at least 1 minute before the ending, or D minus 1. Only a scant few stay for the end of services, which is officially termed at the end of the closing hymn. Coincidentally there is a single outlier for departure as well, but she has already been discounted from the study because she is the same woman who arrived thirty minutes early. We have no statistics on her departure time, as the researchers tired of waiting for her to leave and just went home for lunch.

Researchers have determined the average time of a Sunday Mass to be 48 minutes. Using that as a base, eliminating the outliers, and applying a high level statistical regression analysis, the average R.C. Churchgoer appears to attend only 92% of the actual service. Anecdotally (and to be studied in depth with a future study) time on task during the service appears to be low as well. Adjustments to cell phone ringers, text messaging, writing checks for the collection basket, and whispering to your neighbors about that lady’s hat appear to consume more of the time, leaving less than 90% quality time during the service. Another consideration could be that people are unaware that Mass ends at the end of the closing song, and that it is not ‘exit music’ for the congregation to recess.

All of these statistics lead this researcher to only one conclusion- Roman Catholics may be too busy for Weekly Mass. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish this later. The Homily is ending, and I have to get back to work.

Having completed my Family Resolutions the other day, I should take a moment to continue my resolutions as a man of faith.

Resolution 4- Remember that “Name in Vain” thingy
For a man who teaches the youngest of children, you would think I had better control of my mouth. I don’t. I also work across the hall from a first grade teacher who can keep pace with a sailor on leave. It makes it really easy for me to fall into a pattern of terribly ugly language.

I also have tweenage and teenage children. I get frustrated and lose control of my mouth at times. I also managed to teach my wife somewhere along the way to do the same thing. I need to stop. Not only is it degrading to my children, but it also sets a terrible example for them. Finally, it also pushes me further from my faith. So I resolve to clean up my language.

Resolution 5- Say thank you to the One who helps most

Resolution 3 addresses my most important earthly relationship. I need to do a better job maintaining my most important spiritual relationship. I pray two or three times a year, except if there is a crisis. I don’t go to confession. I hardly pray when I am actually IN the church.

Grace x3 annually is not enough. I’m a realist, though. I know I won’t be getting on bended knee each night before bed, but a few minutes every week to give thanks for that which is good would certainly be an improvement. I resolve to give thanks in prayer each week.

Check out my resolutions for Marriage and Family and Technology.

Technorati Tags:
faith, prayer, religion

Midnight Mass 2007,
originally uploaded by invervegas.

I was made aware of a phrase a few years back that I hadn’t heard before- the CAPE Catholic. These are the folks who come out at specific times, most notably when we are either having a party or giving something away. CAPE stands for:

• Christmas- Yeah baby… I mean, yeah Baby! The biggest baby shower ever. Billions of people worldwide get together to sit for an extra-long mass, many of them so late at night they can’t keep their eyes open. There are usually a lot of singers and extra altar servers, visiting priests, extra lay ministers, and even the occasional pageant with kids and some animals. (I mean sheep and donkeys, not the parents fighting over pews.)
• Ash Wednesday- Going to church in the middle of the day and in the middle of the week is highly unusual for most folks, even the more devout. What is the draw? We leave our jobs and go before the priest so he can put a dirty thumbprint in the middle of our forehead.It’s not just dirt from anywhere- it’s left over from another party from last year! Awesome! Year-old dirt.. er… ashes.
• Palm Sunday- The party which supplied the dirt/ashes for Ash Wednesday. Everyone gets together to symbolize the return of Jesus to Jerusalem. As he entered the city, the faithful gathered and waved palm fronds, also spreading them out before him to create a path. What makes this interesting is that many of the people who come out (including me) would probably not have come out for the original event. (”Jesus? I remember him. Always found him a bit… preachy.”) The ashes are the remains of burnt palms from the previous Palm Sunday.
• Easter- In my opinion, the granddaddy of them all. This is the big one. Longest mass, most miraculous events, intense music. Heck, the guy rolled away a stone, died, rose to heaven, and forgave most everybody who did him wrong. You have to love the bonnets (and depending on the town, there are some serious bonnets) and the little boys in their communion suits. You also must consider the fact that somewhere along the way we got a bunny in the mix. I don’t know where he came from, but it sure is strange.

Chuckling aside, it’s great to see everyone, no matter when they last came. I can not in good conscience throw stones, as I would be one of them were it not for a professional commitment, and the pledge to be better in my faith to better guide my children. As a lay minister, however, I take my mission seriously. It is my job to make the guests and parishioners feel welcome, to lead them in faithful song, and to hopefully inspire them to return again.

Here is hope that no matter what your faith, no matter what your record of attendance, and no matter whether you worship in a House or in a house, you find the joys and solace of faith this season.

Advent is a temporal paradox. It is the end of the calendar year, but also the beginning of the liturgical year. It is a chance for a fresh start with your faith. It is, in fact, one of the two holiest seasons in our Christian year. It may also be the time where we are weakest in our faith.

Consider Black Friday. Were you your most faithful on that day? Were you considering what was best for all those about you, or for you alone? Were you among an angry mob of folks banging on a door, remarking that the sign says 5am and it is most certainly 5:02 already? Were you waiting patiently to be served, or did you foster anger and impatience among those about you?

Consider the holiday season in general. Are you considering your faith as you set out your menorah? Are you contemplating how oil sufficient for a single day of light should burn for eight? When I put out my creche, and I considering the miracle of a virgin birth? Or am I contemplating how another holiday is coming, and I have so much to do that I can’t see straight? Am I thinking the worst of my family because I do all the work on the holidays, and they have merely to show up with a tray of veggies as an admission ticket?

Am I yielding to the stranger in the parking lot who may have a baby, a pregnant wife, or an invalid relative in the car? Or am I stealing that spot because gracious I am in a serious hurry and you couldn’t possibly be on as tight a schedule as I am?

Am I letting the woman with three items go ahead of me in the grocery line when I have an entire cart full of provisions? Or am I justifying myself by thinking “no one ever lets me get in front so why should I do it for a stranger?”

Sure, we make our resolutions when we hang that pristine new paper calendar on the refrigerator. But do we truly make resolutions when the new year begins? The liturgical one? In this religious time of renewal (at least for Christians) perhaps we should consider making our resolutions on a schedule that makes sense in keeping our faith, and not with an artificially imposed governmental order.

If we live in a society where a man at a Walmart can be trampled to death by a group of people trying to buy discount televisions, it’s time for all of us to stop and reconsider who we are and what we do. Once we have our own houses in order, we can test the theory that I hope from the deepest reaches of my soul is true:

Good will is contagious.

So join what I hope becomes the largest scientific study ever conducted by a blogger. Come on this site and share with us all a tale of good will done unto you, and how you plan to do unto others. If you haven’t found any good will yet, tell us how you are spreading it in your life.

Western Grace, originally uploaded by kretyen.

With Thanksgiving coming up this week, I’m considering what I will say at the table. Not for small talk, but in prayer before the meal. As the guy who works at a church, people assume I must be the most religious in the room at our Thanksgiving feast. I’m not. My wife is far more religious, but she would prefer that I do the public speaking. I used to be reluctant, but I’ve come to accept it, and now relish the idea of having a pulpit.

Anyway, that’s not the point. I know that “Thank you Lord for all that I am. Bless us all, now pass the yams” won’t do. I don’t know what I’ll say, but perhaps it will sound like this:

The world has been a difficult and dangerous place lately. Thousands of American men and women will be spending this holiday in harms way, while their families pray that the empty chair at their table will soon be filled again. Others worry about losing their homes, keeping their jobs, feeding their families, or affording a doctors visit for their children.

But with thanks to you, Lord, we know that a new day is dawning. We pray that conscience and faith will guide President-Elect Obama and his team in doing that which is necessary to protect and support our nation and it’s people. And although this is a welcome change, we know that we have always had reason to give thanks, because we have always had that which is most important.

We stand here today with our family, connected not only by blood but by unconditional love. Although at times we may be separated by arrogance, ego, or foolishness, we know that family is inviolate. We promise to love and care for one another, and we pray that you may bless others in the same ways we are blessed… with clothing, food, homes, jobs, and loved ones.

We ask this in His name. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

The 2008 election was an historic election. No, not for Barack Obama. The residents of the State of California decided that the right for any two people to marry, regardless of their gender, was no longer to be sanctioned. The text of Proposition 8 read, simply, that “(o)nly marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” The California Legislature has twice voted to allow same-sex marriage, but the Governor has vetoed the measure each time. This proposition to alter the State Constitution would nullify a recent California State Supreme Court ruling disallowing a ban on such marriages.

Love is hard to find. Truly. Each of us is so flawed I can’t imagine how we can even stand the sight of one another most days. We all have our foibles and issues. When you can finally find someone to love you, should you not seize the opportunity to join with them for a lifetime of love? How can any marriage, any agreement entered into with love and care for another be wrong? Does not Matthew 7:12 say “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Read the last clause again, so you can see “this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” This is not a single part of the law, but the guiding force, the summary of it. If we deny marriage to anyone, we are not living by this guiding principle. There is no qualifier. “This sums up some portions of the Law, but reinterpret other sections as you see fit.”

No. Love is not to be feared, and commitment is not to be denied. The same folks who believe all gay men to be predators of whom our children must be fearful would also deny they be allowed the opportunity to marry. I would say that any man or woman willing to go against community sensibilities and enter into a world so misunderstood and maligned is crazy, not for their preference to love another of their gender but to risk suffering the slings and arrows of narrow-minded members of the human race. That they continue uninhibited is a credit to them and their conquest to find the one person with whom they might share a modicum of happiness.

If circumstances had been different, could I have married? Not another man, but imagine this: If I fell in love with my the woman I now call my wife, and I was told by my family that it was wrong, could I have continued? Would I have been strong enough to foster the relationship? If so, what if the town were to tell me the same? Could I endure? If the state then intervened? Would I be willing and able to look all of those whom I trust AND all of those who would judge me and say “I have made the right choice?” Would I then be truly in love if I had done such a thing? Wouldn’t anyone?

Love itself contains so many hurdles. The odds are already stacked against, dare I say, more “traditional” relationships. Same-sex couples endure far more to get to the point of marriage than my wife and I ever saw. If the path to a mixed gender marriage is a 5k run, same-sex couples run a triathalon to get to the same point. Who are we, anyone, to say they have not the right to cross the finish line?

I try to be spiritual and graceful, but I was moved to tears by Olbermann’s take on this matter. He says it far better than I could.

The full text of the segment can be found at buzznet.com

Having a schedule when you write a blog is important. If you write about current events or today’s news, you can get away with the “hmm… Let’s see what Steve Jobs did today” thing. Faith is different. Faith has a deep and rich history, and a calendar published WAY in advance.

That’s why I feel like such a dolt for missing All Souls Day last week. Luckily for me I was reminded by my friend Julie Fay, columnist and blogger. We’ve just reconnected after 17 years (thank you Facebook) and while catching up on her blog I read HER post on All Souls Day.

I haven’t had too much death in my life, but some of them have moved me deeply. Sure, when my paternal grandfather died I was disconnected from that side of my family. However, when my maternal grandfather died about 16 years ago it hit me pretty hard. He was given a military funeral (as a WWII disabled veteran) with all the bells and whistles. When that bugler starts, it’s not possible to remain unmoved. The rest of my family has (mercifully) been well.

Sure, a few folks outside I the family have touched me as well. Michelle’s dad Pete, who for a while was the closest thing I had to a father. Lori from HS, who decided a year after graduation to leap from a local bridge. Ken from college. That one hurt in so many ways. Eric, the middle schooler I saw each day. I couldn’t cry for him publicly because I was the anchor of the Community Crisis Team.

Some people know everything about death. They can tell you days and dates. They remember All Souls Day and memorial services and such. That’s not me. The few deaths I’ve dealt with have been painful enough that to memorialize that pain is too much for me.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’ll never forget the day they died. The days afterward. Those days held pain for me for a long time afterward. They were the only days I could remember.  The pain became a tall fence that prevented me from seeing what was behind it, what came before. Every calendar page I tore off took me further from the fence. Now I’ve reached higher ground. The fence is still there, but I can see the beauty beyond it. The long drive I took with my grandad that one Thanksgiving we were both leaving late. Sitting by the pool with Pete. The play I did in middle school with Lori.  Sharing a coffee in the Commons with Ken. Eric, who made me crazy as a student but who I liked as a person.

Some things are better held at a distance.

As a Cafeteria Catholic, I don’t agree with all the core precepts of my faith. I guess it means I’m not much of a Catholic, but I am who I am, and I figure some faith is better than none,

Believe it or not, I was a teenager once. As a stupid young man, I engaged in a fair amount of stupid activities. I had relations with a few women, and at least once or twice I did so without protection. As such, there were a few months where I waited hopefully for ‘George from Rochester’ to visit. He did. Every time.

Since I met my wife, I’ve been more responsible. Well, for the most part. When we knew we wanted kids but hadn’t yet decided on the when and where, we were a little cavalier. We were occasionally less than careful, but it was not a problem. Having a kid was no biggie, especially since that was the plan. Sooner rather than later was not catastrophic, just unexpected.

Since we’ve had our two kids, we have been quite careful. After my daughter was born, I decided I didn’t want any more children. My wife hadn’t completely agreed, but that’s a different story. The two kids I got were terrific, so why jinx it? I know what causes pregnancy, so it’s fairly easy to avoid.

The issue of abortion is a difficult one for many people, but not for me. In case you forgot, I’m a guy. While I have concerns for my wife’s health, and I get to make health choices for my daughter, at least for a while, I have little to say for anyone else. I wish the government agreed.

I do not believe in abortion as a choice for the women in my family, and would argue against it if they were to consider it as an option. I can’t imagine a lifetime of doubt about what could have or would have been. However, I believe there are many times and many women for who it would be a possible, if not preferred choice. They should be permitted to make that choice.

There are many pains a young women can endure. The pain of having to give up on a college education because they have to care for a child they didn’t expect or really want. The pain of having to collect a welfare check to feed her children. The pain of looking into her child’s eyes and seeing missed opportunities instead of the love and potential. Not all women have a family system to support them. Not all women have the resources to care for a child. My family would welcome, although reluctantly, another child if God thought it our destiny. Not all families could do that with grace and ease.

Yes, every life is sacred. Abortion doesn’t just end a pregnancy, but
it creates a pain that haunts women for the rest of their lives. Any woman who would need to make that choice must certainly be desperate. With proper counseling as a prerequisite, should she not be able to avail herself of every resource we have?

Considering my history, I hope it’s easy to understand that I might not agree with all the teachings of my faith. Since my mother is divorced, some of those teachings, technically, make me an unwelcome member of the faith. Others would alienate my friends. Heck, I rarely receive communion because I’m suppossed to go to confession to cleanse my soul before, but it’s been nearly a decade since I went.

So I figured if I am going to write about faith, I should take time to go over some of the biggest issues that people have with religion and flesh them out here. You know the ones:

• Abortion
• Birth Control
• Confession
• Divorce
• Euthanasia
• Gay marriage
• Homosexuality
• Pre-Marital Sex

I already kind of spoke about Heaven and Hell, but I guess I will look back and see if that was really exhaustive on the idea. I’m sure I will think of others, but those are the first that come to mind. If you think of others, please feel free to let me know. I’d love to hear what others think of our approach to religion with the kids.

In a way, though, don’t most people treat their faith like a cafeteria? I know it’s true of catholicism. If you have any gay friends, then you have to set aside some of the tenets of catholicism. If you think it’s acceptable for a young girl ( in Alaska?) to terminate a pregnancy instead of becoming a teenage mother, then you are a ‘Cafeteria Catholic.’ Faith is complicated. I suppose if I am going to write about faith, it makes sense to state my beliefs explicitly.

The next issue for the Cafeteria Catholic- Abortion