Dad Revisited

My friend Chris, who is writing curriculum for his music students, is crafting Essential Questions for his lessons. Essential Questions are those which, if you have developed and taught your lesson well, all will be able to answer at the end. He believes educators must also ask themselves Essential Questions as they do their jobs. I believe, especially of late, that each of us as people must answer Essential Questions. I believe those questions differ depending on your age and where you ‘are’ in your life.

Individuals with children face these questions: Should I be more or less involved in the lives of my children? Should I choose for them, or let them choose? Should I steer them away from all risks, or let them discover the world for what it really is and has become? Should I keep my ’safe’ job, or take a risk that could put my family in financial jeopardy?

If you are in a marriage or relationship, you face different, but similarly important questions. Is this the person for me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship? Is my partner happy? Am I doing all I can to make this relationship happy, successful, and sustainable? Will we be better off if I subjugate myself to him/her right now? Are we healthy together? Are we better apart?

As individuals, we must answer the more basic questions. Am I happy? Can I be a better person? Should I be more charitable? Is it time to sit down and take it, or stand up and fight? What are my goals, my visions, my dreams? Can I attain them? Is what is good for me in keeping with the greater good? Does that matter to me? Take a good look at these questions, because they are cumulative. We all answer the basic questions. Those of us married and with children must answer them all.

But I’ve left out the most basic, most essential question of all. It’s not “How shall I live?” buy “Shall I live?” if you believe that life requires an energy, a force of will, than this becomes a critical question. But why, WHY would someone answer no? Certainly we’ve seen those who, in a fit of loneliness, pain, or alienation have thought living was no longer valuable. What of the father, who for years has supported his family, who now cannot do so? Perhaps he’s discovered he’s worth more fiscally dead than alive. Maybe he simply cannot watch as his family struggles to stay alive. Maybe the guilt (justified or not) he feels in his failures weighs too heavily on his soul. These days, many individuals must be in this mindset. I’ve felt their pain. All I can say for them is that no family is better off in their absence. No amount of money would ever replace a loving parent, or assuage the pain and guilt stemming from their absence.

What of those who are older? If life requires an energy force, how long can any of us sustain it? Have you 50 years in you? 65? 80? 90? There are days where I wonder how I will find a forty fourth. If you reach 80 years, haveyou worked hard enough? Could you hang on to be with your mate. Hopefully your children are settled and no longer need your care. If you’ve taught them everything they need to know, can you give up without guilt?

As I sit with my mother-in-law, I consider the gifts I have, the gifts she’s given me, and the life force she’s carried for so long. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention during the lesson. I can’t answer the Essential Question.

I got a new ukelele, and I thought I would break it in with a song.

I did not, nor have I ever watched, “The Bachelor.” If you know me, I’m not a big fan of reality television in general. Sure, I dig “The Deadliest Catch” and I like a good home decorating show, but the ‘glorify the worst in people’ type of reality is too much for me. I would prefer to see the best of folks. That said, I was fascinated by the headline Turning To Tears: Should Men Cry? and the leading paragraphs:

Jason Mesnick is likely the weepiest bachelor ever. He sloshed through the final episode, tearing up at least a dozen times, raising the question: When is it OK for men to cry? Mesnick’s crying has endeared him to some viewers but painted him as a target of insult for others. “I thought it was sweet to see a guy cry for a change and any girl would be lucky to have him,” one “Good Morning America” viewer commented at ABCNews.com. “I like a sensitive guy as much as the next woman, but unless someone just died or you have just cut off one of your limbs, cut out the waterworks,” another wrote.

There are differing opinions about crying. When we grow up as kids, we are convinced that we should not cry. If you cry, you show weakness. People will take advantage of you. You’ll get picked on. No one will be your friend. Girls want tough guys, not babies. You’re a wimp. You’re a chick. You’re gay.

I would have thought, as adults, we’d be over that discussion. Turns out that we’re not past it yet. Many folks still think men crying is weak, wimpy, bad. I find it hard to believe that adults would still cling to these stereotypes, but then I find it hard to believe that people would be against gay marriage, gun control, and birth control.

I’m not the best person to judge on this topic, because I’m biased. Disclaimer: I cry. A lot. At stuff you might find weird. Here’s just a short list- I’ve cried:

• at movies like Last Chance Harvey, Chocolat, or Our Friend Martin;
• at TV shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and The Closer
• when Mimi died in La Boheme;
• when my grandfather passed away;
• when a former student took his own life;
• when my children were born;
• when the children sang or played in concerts;
• when my classes sang well in concerts;
• when my children did something outstanding, like take care of their Dad when he gets a concussion;
• when my wife told me she was proud of me.

Sure, some of these things might seem frivolous and silly. Why should I cry over something inane like a television show? Sure, the death of a relative is a significant event, but someone getting a new house on TV has nothing to do with me. What’s the big deal? 

One thing is certain: crying is an indicator of who you are and how you relate to others. If you can put yourself in someone elses shoes, it is the beginning of an understanding and a relationship. If you can empathize with them, you have built a bridge. You can walk a mile in their shoes and understand who they are at their core. Being able to cry does not make you a wimp. Being able to cry makes you a special man. Being able to cry makes you a caring, loving person.

It would be easy for us “criers” to demean or deride the “non-criers” as tough guys. Meatheads. Macho slobs. Non-criers must be misogynist, chauvinist pigs who do not value women or care about their children. “Non-criers” are must be unemotional douches. I know that’s not true. Not being able to cry does not make you less empathetic. You can still be caring and loving without the tears. You’re not a douche if you don’t cry.

However, you ARE a douche if you dump your new fiance on television though. That much I know.

I went to see Walt Disney’s Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, and I lived to tell the tale! Check it out!