Dad Revisited

Life comes in fits and starts, doesn’t it? What could possibly occupy my time for two months and keep me from my faithful readers?

My Mother-In-Law got sick. She ended up in the hospital, and then a rehabilitation facility. My Father-In-Law can’t stay by himself, so he moved in with us. Well, more with them, since I still live 5/7 of the time far from the family.

The job has been… challenging. Things in education are tough, if you are on the bottom of the Seniority List. Which I am. Was. As a result, my position went from a full-time position to a part-time position. I was excessed (released from full time employment, with rights to be recalled if a FT position opens up) and offered the new PT gig.

When my boss heard about this, he was concerned. You see, he is retired. He is in the second year of a planned three year stint as Director of Fine and Performing Arts. He looked at the situation and found it to be unacceptable. So he did what any of us would have done.

He resigned.

Sounds drastic, but he had a thought. He thought “I could resign and leave room for the new guy, who has all the right certification and experience to take over.” Apparently he also thought “I don’t need another $100k of money that I would have made.” Can you imagine? How many of us would have given up that kind of scratch for someone we hardly know?

This set up a strange sequence of events:

• Apply for new position
• get excessed from current position
• interview for new job
• get recalled as a music teacher
• get appointed as Coordinator of Fine and Performing Arts
• Oh, I was also approved for tenure as a Music Teacher K-12.

As you can see, this has been a bit of a whirlwind. I’ve jumped into the new job (which I don’t officially have yet) with both feet, so I have been out at Award Ceremonies, dinners, and concerts. All of this hubbub has kept me from you, dear readers. However, I hope to be back soon. Today is a chance to catch up. Keep your eyes open for new posts. I’ve missed you, and I’m looking forward to sharing with you again. Things are starting to get interesting.

When we put an addition on the house, my wife had the brilliance and forethought to create a Family Room that could easily be repurposed into an apartment. As we got older, she reasoned, so would our parents. That would require us to have a place i our home for them to live, either temporarily or permanently.

That would prove to be particularly prescient. Recently, my mother-in-law took ill. She is currently in a facility receiving care she truly needs. She is, for the most part, healthy and will probably continue to be healthy for some time to come. She will require special care for a while, and even when she is ready to return home, she will likely be unable to care for herself without some assistance.

My father-in-law is as healthy as he has been for some time. At least, as far as his body goes. His heart is ailing. He has lived with the same woman for over 60 years, and now she’s out of the house. He could live alone, but the house is so… empty. He has never really cooked for himself. He is not so big on laundry. He comes from a generation where gender roles are very strictly defined. Sure, he can fix things that are broken, but that’s not enough.

Having a mate changes the way you live your life. You get used to it, after a while. When you live alone, who will steal the section of the paper you were reading? Who leaves the seat up/down on the toilet? Who will leave the dishes in the sink? The empty ice trays on the counter? The nearly empty gas tank? The box with 2 crackers left? Sure, sometimes we get aggravated by these little foibles and peculiarities, but after creating a rhythm or routine that incorporates them, their sudden removal leaves you tripping over yourself. At a time of stress, you feel those losses quite dearly.

When we were young and still searching for that ’someone’ we filled those empty moments. We filled the emptiness with the search itself. Once you’ve found that someone, the search is over, and you can’t pick it up again. When we were young, we filled the emptiness with drink. Now we’re too old for that. When we were young, we filled the emptiness with friends. At a certain age, you have few (if any) friends left.

You have family.

And so, we find ourselves, for a time at least, as an extended family. New members. New challenges. New arrangements. New schedules. Life moves quickly. Gotta keep up.

You want your children to learn as much as they can. You want to give them as many opportunities as possible. So you send them away on school overnight trips. With this in mind, my son prepared for two wonderful travel opportunities in the span of two weeks.

Of course, the day before he leaves, something tragic happens in his family, and he ends up visiting with a grandparent, perhaps for the last time. This trauma affects him deeply, but he stands tall and tries to ignore the possibilities while trying to enjoy himself on the trip. The trip goes off as scheduled, and when he returns (after 3 days out of cellular range) he gets to see his grandparent, who has managed to not only survive, but to thrive.

Then he packs and plans for an international trip. We equipped him with an international calling card. We gave him an international cellular phone. He visited again with his ailing grandparent, who will likely still be here upon his return, but will almost certainly not be home any time soon. Again, he was upbeat, even though he knows that when he returns, we’ll have one more in the house. He agrees it would be wrong to leave one in a house alone while the other is in a rehab facility. And so, when he returns, we will no longer be nuclear, but extended.

Off he goes, landing uneventfully in Paris. Checking in at the hostel, he begins his international adventure with enthusiasm and joy. After a few days, he leaves the hostel to head home. Not home to us, but a temporary home with the student he hosted in November. For us as parents, a much more comforting time. What could be better than having him stay with a family? We had hosted their child, we imagined a quid pro quo would allow him to be protected and comfortable.

Who could predict that we’d have trouble figuring out how to text message from abroad? Who would have predicted we’d have to try a variety of ways to call from his cellular to mine? Who would expect a tragedy in their household? Who could predict that the family would be devastated in a way that would make it impossible for them to continue to host him? Who would know that he would be thrust into a circumstance which would be nearly impossible to manage in English, with a family you know well? How can he possibly be expected to manage it in French, with a family he barely knows, on their worst day ever?

I consider myself to be an outstanding planner, but some things you just can’t be expected to predict. Be safe and well, Skippy. Hugs are waiting for you at home.

My friend Chris, who is writing curriculum for his music students, is crafting Essential Questions for his lessons. Essential Questions are those which, if you have developed and taught your lesson well, all will be able to answer at the end. He believes educators must also ask themselves Essential Questions as they do their jobs. I believe, especially of late, that each of us as people must answer Essential Questions. I believe those questions differ depending on your age and where you ‘are’ in your life.

Individuals with children face these questions: Should I be more or less involved in the lives of my children? Should I choose for them, or let them choose? Should I steer them away from all risks, or let them discover the world for what it really is and has become? Should I keep my ’safe’ job, or take a risk that could put my family in financial jeopardy?

If you are in a marriage or relationship, you face different, but similarly important questions. Is this the person for me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship? Is my partner happy? Am I doing all I can to make this relationship happy, successful, and sustainable? Will we be better off if I subjugate myself to him/her right now? Are we healthy together? Are we better apart?

As individuals, we must answer the more basic questions. Am I happy? Can I be a better person? Should I be more charitable? Is it time to sit down and take it, or stand up and fight? What are my goals, my visions, my dreams? Can I attain them? Is what is good for me in keeping with the greater good? Does that matter to me? Take a good look at these questions, because they are cumulative. We all answer the basic questions. Those of us married and with children must answer them all.

But I’ve left out the most basic, most essential question of all. It’s not “How shall I live?” buy “Shall I live?” if you believe that life requires an energy, a force of will, than this becomes a critical question. But why, WHY would someone answer no? Certainly we’ve seen those who, in a fit of loneliness, pain, or alienation have thought living was no longer valuable. What of the father, who for years has supported his family, who now cannot do so? Perhaps he’s discovered he’s worth more fiscally dead than alive. Maybe he simply cannot watch as his family struggles to stay alive. Maybe the guilt (justified or not) he feels in his failures weighs too heavily on his soul. These days, many individuals must be in this mindset. I’ve felt their pain. All I can say for them is that no family is better off in their absence. No amount of money would ever replace a loving parent, or assuage the pain and guilt stemming from their absence.

What of those who are older? If life requires an energy force, how long can any of us sustain it? Have you 50 years in you? 65? 80? 90? There are days where I wonder how I will find a forty fourth. If you reach 80 years, haveyou worked hard enough? Could you hang on to be with your mate. Hopefully your children are settled and no longer need your care. If you’ve taught them everything they need to know, can you give up without guilt?

As I sit with my mother-in-law, I consider the gifts I have, the gifts she’s given me, and the life force she’s carried for so long. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention during the lesson. I can’t answer the Essential Question.

I got a new ukelele, and I thought I would break it in with a song.

I did not, nor have I ever watched, “The Bachelor.” If you know me, I’m not a big fan of reality television in general. Sure, I dig “The Deadliest Catch” and I like a good home decorating show, but the ‘glorify the worst in people’ type of reality is too much for me. I would prefer to see the best of folks. That said, I was fascinated by the headline Turning To Tears: Should Men Cry? and the leading paragraphs:

Jason Mesnick is likely the weepiest bachelor ever. He sloshed through the final episode, tearing up at least a dozen times, raising the question: When is it OK for men to cry? Mesnick’s crying has endeared him to some viewers but painted him as a target of insult for others. “I thought it was sweet to see a guy cry for a change and any girl would be lucky to have him,” one “Good Morning America” viewer commented at ABCNews.com. “I like a sensitive guy as much as the next woman, but unless someone just died or you have just cut off one of your limbs, cut out the waterworks,” another wrote.

There are differing opinions about crying. When we grow up as kids, we are convinced that we should not cry. If you cry, you show weakness. People will take advantage of you. You’ll get picked on. No one will be your friend. Girls want tough guys, not babies. You’re a wimp. You’re a chick. You’re gay.

I would have thought, as adults, we’d be over that discussion. Turns out that we’re not past it yet. Many folks still think men crying is weak, wimpy, bad. I find it hard to believe that adults would still cling to these stereotypes, but then I find it hard to believe that people would be against gay marriage, gun control, and birth control.

I’m not the best person to judge on this topic, because I’m biased. Disclaimer: I cry. A lot. At stuff you might find weird. Here’s just a short list- I’ve cried:

• at movies like Last Chance Harvey, Chocolat, or Our Friend Martin;
• at TV shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and The Closer
• when Mimi died in La Boheme;
• when my grandfather passed away;
• when a former student took his own life;
• when my children were born;
• when the children sang or played in concerts;
• when my classes sang well in concerts;
• when my children did something outstanding, like take care of their Dad when he gets a concussion;
• when my wife told me she was proud of me.

Sure, some of these things might seem frivolous and silly. Why should I cry over something inane like a television show? Sure, the death of a relative is a significant event, but someone getting a new house on TV has nothing to do with me. What’s the big deal? 

One thing is certain: crying is an indicator of who you are and how you relate to others. If you can put yourself in someone elses shoes, it is the beginning of an understanding and a relationship. If you can empathize with them, you have built a bridge. You can walk a mile in their shoes and understand who they are at their core. Being able to cry does not make you a wimp. Being able to cry makes you a special man. Being able to cry makes you a caring, loving person.

It would be easy for us “criers” to demean or deride the “non-criers” as tough guys. Meatheads. Macho slobs. Non-criers must be misogynist, chauvinist pigs who do not value women or care about their children. “Non-criers” are must be unemotional douches. I know that’s not true. Not being able to cry does not make you less empathetic. You can still be caring and loving without the tears. You’re not a douche if you don’t cry.

However, you ARE a douche if you dump your new fiance on television though. That much I know.

I went to see Walt Disney’s Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, and I lived to tell the tale! Check it out!

Large screen televisions are the big thing these days. Well, that and game systems. Well, game systems and online video. OK, online video and media servers.

You can see, there is a lot to decide when you are setting up media in your home today. Sure, most people just get a television and a cable box. That’s for the noobs, the low-tech crowd. I would love to be a part of the high-tech crowd, but that means more bank* then I have. Since I don’t have that kind of scratch**, I’ll have to be content with mid-tech solutions.

Before starting the job and implementing any technology, I must first decide what I want my home network to do. I would like my network to:

- serve music and movies files from a central location, not from individual files on individual machines (I guess this is a media server);
- allow my family to save and access their files from a central location simply;
- allow all my devices to see the internet and the network, either wirelessly or via Ethernet;
- back-up user data on and off-site, simply and without user intervention; Read the rest of this entry »

We talk about selling off and finding a new home for old “collectibles.” Tax return preparation tips. Ways our kids want to waste spend our hard earned money. What’s in your iPod? Networking tips.

[01:00] Time to sell off and find a new home for all those ridiculous old Star Trek toys.

[13:15] Tax return preparation tips:

• Use a professional to reduce risk of mistakes and to represent you if something goes wrong.
• Organize receipts by month in an accordion binder.
• Services like Shoeboxed.com digitize receipts for you to store online. Can also take photos with your iPhone and email to your Evernote.com account. Another option is PaperPort.
• Don’t forget to track your mileage for business or job hunting.
• Keeping organized throughout the year with software like Quicken or Quickbooks will help you to easily run reports for tax preparation.
• Lost a receipt from a major retailer like Home Depot or Target. Ask them to pull up your past purchases associated with your credit card.
• File early especially if you’re entitled to a return.

[25:30] Kids just want to spend, spend, spend. Which is a bigger waste of your hard earned money?

Best quote: “Who the hell do you hate enough to give a Chipmunks CD to?”
Read the rest of this entry »

The first part of the year seems to always come down to some kind of sacrifice. First we have our New Year’s resolutions, which never include “spend more time on the internet, watch more television, and eat a lot of chocolate.” I spend the better part of January trying to keep to those resolutions. Of course, many of those fall to the wayside by February 1st. February is spent mostly regretting all the junk I didn’t get done.

I forgot! I have another chance! I can give up all the same things AGAIN for Lent. Now I’m starting to think to myself “why do I bother making resolutions when Lent is coming in a month? I can make my same sacrifices and have them count TWICE!” This leaves me in a quandry, though.

If I had resolved to give up chocolate at New Year’s, I’d have blown it about 3 days after New Years. That means my resolution is no longer in play. I can give up chocolate for Lent now, right? If I do that, does it count as a new sacrifice for my faith, or is it simply a cop out for my own convenience? Read the rest of this entry »